Ballsy

I cannot really think of anything interesting to write today, so I will leave you with this:

"In the battle between good and evil, evil will always triumph, because good is dumb!"

More Plugging

Anyone looking for good new bands/artists should check out Murs and Guided By Voices.

Bloody Rich

I just checked my google site rating, and it turns out that people do actually read this page. Whoever you are, I thank you. I always felt I was cut out for internet superstardom.

It turns out Hassan is not in jail. He just disappeared for several months after canceling his cell phone, which he suspected had been tapped by the Feds. That is all I am at liberty to reveal.

Actually, I really need to add this. According to Sammis (my biggest fan, it seems), Hassan befriended a midget right before Spring Break and hatched a scheme to somehow burrow into people's dorm rooms and steal their valuables.

Very classy.

Buy Me and Everything I Stand For

I want my own goddamned book deal.

BOOK DEALS!

I have no idea what I would write about, but becoming an author seems like a great way to do nothing and get paid.

I can dig that.

Scariest Update Ever

We are all fucked.

Life After the Oil Crash

Dig it?

God Really Does

Eat the heathen.

God Hates Shrimp

Diddy's Drunken Odyssey

This story is actually a week late. However, I do not remember half the details. It was therefore necessary to interview everyone who saw me that night in an effort to write a complete and unbiased report.

Last Saturday, while in Bobb with my potential brothers from Beta Theta Pi, I was offered a shot of vodka. I had already imbibed four in Tim's room and was feeling fine, so I accepted. Before twenty minutes are up, I have swallowed five more. We then decided to visit Fiji, where I must have had something else to drink and, according to Tim, tried flirting with some girl's seventeen-year old sister. She was a very mature seventeen, if that helps my cause in any way, shape or form.

We then walked to Phi Psi, where I downed some Everclear-enhanced punch and proceeded to achieve new levels of idiocy and belligerence. I first tried to steal an inflatable palm tree. For some reason, I remember feeling like I really need to hug the tree, but then again, I was drunk out of my mind. After PhiPsiAndy wrestled it away from me, I ran into Lizzie, who did her best to follow me and stop me from drinking anymore. Apparently, I gave her a hug everytime she did this, thanked her and proceeded to find myself another beverage.

I then stumbled into the dancing room where two asian chicks proceeded to sandwich me. I then made my one major mistake of the evening: I told one of the girls my name and dorm. This would come back to haunt me later.

At some point, I ran into Alex. Showing a remarkable amount of self-control, I gave her my beer and announced I was cutting myself off. Two minutes later, when she was distracted, I grabbed my beer from her. She then bit me. Multiple times. When it finally became clear she was not going to return my beer, I ran upstairs and met Sharon, PhiPsiAndy's girlfriend. For some reason, I was singing Alkaline Trio (everyone tells me it was recognizable, but that I was clearly drunk. Who would have thought?). We then had a long discussion about how Rash McCants is an awesome player.

I left with Tennyson, Nina and Eric. On my way out, I noticed a stack of half-empty beer cans on a ledge. Now, when you are greeted with such a sight, the obvious course of action is to roundhouse the display. I proceeded to do that, causing an explosion of stale beer; my pants reeked of it the next day. I was starting to sober up and, feeling quite hungry, announced to everyone I was with that we needed to go to Burger King and buy some burgers and fries.

Instead, they dragged me back to Slivka, Eric's dorm. Slivka is endowed with three floors, all of which have fully functional kitchenettes. I ransacked every single one, stealing every last frozen pizza. Nina promptly cooked them and we all ate pizza at three in the morning, which was a fairly satisfactory conclusion.

The next day, feeling very hungover, I found a number written up on my whiteboard with the simple inscription, "Call me." Sanjay explained that some sketch asian chick had been lurking outside my room the night before, asking where I could be found.

Imagine if I had returned an hour earlier. She might have eaten me. You can clearly never underestimate the dangers of alcohol. Drink responsibly, bitches.