Roommate Guide

I guess I was destined to write the Unofficial Guide to Being a Roommate:

1) Always wash.

Hygiene is key. There is nothing worse than having a roommate who smells, so kindly shower daily and wear clean clothes. With this in mind, wash your clothes at least once a month, if not more. There are two states clothes can be in: clean and dirty. Clean laundry smells fragrant and can be worn. Dirty laundry, on the other hand, reeks and must be stored in some kind of hamper, not in the middle of the floor.

Clutter is permissible, but for God's sake, don't leave anything organic lying around. By organic, I mean anything that can possibly emit a stench or attract animals. Food should not be left to rot in the communal waste paper basket; it should be properly disposed of.

Furthermore, if you happen to throw up on yourself, it is your duty to make sure those clothes never enter the room. I don't care if you have to shower fully clothed or run back to the dorm naked; don't do it.

2) Respect the other guy's privacy

There will no opening the other man's mail or reading through his notebooks. Furthermore, unless your roommate specifically states there is something on his computer that he wants you to read or watch, it is not permissible to peer over his shoulder. Finally, if you truly are intent on reading my IM conversations, be slick about it. Suddenly jumping out of your chair to swing your head in line with my monitor is, I must admit, making it a little too obvious. In fact, it is downright retarded.

3) Sexiling

Hooking up happens; I'll be the first to admit it. However, failing to lock the door or leave any sort of indicator is just plain stupid. When I am drunk, there are certain sights I do not want to come back to, and you two hooking up is one of them.

4) Turn down the volume

There is no need to show off your stereo. We all know it's loud. I do not want to feel the building's foundations shaking to the beat of "What Is Love".

5) Please appreciate your roommate

If your roommate is a complete jackass, disregard this. Nevertheless, if you are guilty of all of these infractions, kindly refrain from exploding at the other guy for a perfectly reasonable infraction. You're only proving yourself to be a self-centered child.

6) Do not embarass your roommate in front of his friends/family

That's just uncalled for. For example, when his teenaged sister is in town, immature, rude remarks of any kind are disallowed. Suggesting we get her wasted is absolutely out of the question.

Okay, I'm glad this is off my chest. Thank God there are only five more weeks.