On the Virtue of Sexual Deviance (Part 1)

Although I spend inordinate amounts of time on the internet, I never fail to be astonished by the range of fetishes and sexual deviations in which people indulge. So to celebrate the wonderful ability of the internet to bring all a manner of weirdoes together, I have decided to totally rip off Somethingawful.com (to which I owe much and will pay back in some form or another, eventually) and do a top indeterminately numbered list of the best sexual fetishes ever:

10. Clowns
Example: Knockers The Klown
Knockers the Clown is "a celebrity sex clown" and according to her website, she has "sat on 200 flaming birthday cakes."

Clowns scare the shit out of me. Their freakishly bright, frozen smiles, dead eyes and unnatural hair all contribute to this frightening image of humour gone terribly, terribly wrong. I thought that, because of the fact that clowns are FUCKING SCARY, there would be low demand for clown sex. I was wrong. A large gallery of fan mail to Knockers attests to the fact that this fetish happens to be very, unfortunately real:

I love your web site. I have a fetish for clowns. I have masturbated about 20 times over the last week thinking about fucking a hot little clown.

I have always had a fascination about clowns and dreamed about making love to a female clown.

I saw you once on T.V. and I think you're hot! I would love to fuck the hell out of you dressed like a clown!

Because, underneath my staid exterior (I think I know what that means), straight-laced, masters degree totting [sic], multi-syllabic using facade lies a fantasy- ridden clown pervert! That's right! My number #1 masturbatory...fantasy is to be spanked by a real clown!

Yes, strangely enough, I do happen to have a strong sexual attraction to female clowns that I first discovered while I was in college.

Oliver's Thoughts: Clowns are freaky, but "Klowns" are even worse. As far as I know, a "Klown" is some sort of mentally deranged, genetically altered gang member in the distant, apocalyptic future. Not sexy.

9. Orthodontic Braces
Example: Braces Are Beautiful
There is absolutely nothing to say about this. Nothing at all. I guess it just means that there's someone for everyone.

I will always remember how nice it was to kiss her. Once I even kissed her while she was wearing her headgear. I don't think she really understood how I could like her braces so much. She wasn't too delighted having to wear braces. We were an "item" for almost two years. But like a lot of relationships, it didn't last. She was nice enough to give me some of her bands and her headgear when her tin grin days ended. I still have her gift of long ago. But now is the time in my biography to speed the up the story. As like most of the readers of my page, I began collecting pictures, pictures of people with braces.

Oliver's Thoughts: Braces may be sexy, but they are also ridiculously dangerous. Can you imagine getting your lip/tongue caught in a girl's mouth? In conclusion, more awkward than sexy. The doctor has spoken.

Listening to: "Stay Don't Go" by Spoon