Advice-a-palooza!

For years, I aspired to be an advice columnist. I would read Dear Abby before falling asleep, and in my dreams I would picture myself hunched over a cast-iron typewriter, answering anonymous letters from people with witty pseudonyms like "Incontinent in Indiana" or "Bleeding to Death in Boulder." That, boys and girls, was my dream.

When I founded Bloody Murder, several months ago, I hoped to finally achieve this goal. I figured that our ascerbic, bitter brand of humor would lure thousands of cynical readers to our site. They, in turn, would describe their problems to us and I, in my inimitable style, would provide them with guidance and understanding.

Sadly, our readership falls into the demographic category experts refer to as "non-existent."

Today, however, I suddenly developed an idea. Why bother finding readers when I could simply hijack Dear Abby's material? I could take letters addressed to her and answer them myself! Perfect! This way the entire world will be able to see how much better I am than her!

And for our first letter:

DEAR [Olivier]: My mother and her fifth husband, "Lester," have been planning their funeral arrangements, discussing burial vs. cremation, etc. Mom wants to be cremated. At first Lester said that was what he wanted, too. Then he changed his mind.

Lester was previously married for 42 years to a wonderful woman, "Agnes." He nursed her through her long last illness. Now he says he wants to be buried next to her.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with this. As far as I'm concerned, when people die they are gone. But Mom is making a huge deal out of it. She says that Lester will probably die first, and she doesn't think she should have to visit him if he's lying next to Agnes.

I feel that Mom is ruining the present over an uncertain future. Do you think she's justified? Or is she making yet another relationship mistake?

- DAUGHTER OF RELATIONSHIP DUNCE IN CALIFORNIA

Five husbands? I hate to break it to you, DAUGHTER, but your mother is a loose woman. I recommend you kill Lester and give me your mother's phone number. That way, everybody wins!

That was easy. Let's see if there are any more exciting problems to be solved!

DEAR [Olivier]: I am 16 and my boyfriend, "Johnny," is 17. He will be going on a religious mission in two years. Johnny has proposed to me and wants us to be married in his church. For that to happen, we would both have to be his religion. My problem is, I don't know if his religion is right for me.

I love Johnny with all my heart, but we have very different outlooks on life, religion and raising a family. I respect him and his beliefs, but I am a very independent person and I don't think it's fair that I have to change everything about myself. I'm losing sleep over this.
I think that Johnny respects that I want to live life to the fullest, but he thinks his beliefs are more "right" than mine. He is also mad that my parents didn't raise me to be particularly religious -- although I have been baptized.

I don't want to hurt Johnny, but I don't think I could live the way he wants me to for the rest of my life. I want to go to college, get a good job and have a career before I start a family. If I marry Johnny, I'll be expected to stay home, be a homemaker and take care of the children.
Please, Abby, any advice you could offer would be appreciated.

- MADE FOR BETTER THINGS IN IDAHO

Made, I hate to break it to you, but colleges, good jobs and careers are all overrated. But, at the same time, so is baptism! To help you better determine which path you should take, I have interviewed a pair of experts. My counsin Emlin, who is about to be married, had this to say on the subject of unions: "Don't ever get married. You're better off signing yourself up for recreational Chinese water torture." Sobering, no?

My half-brother Christophe, who has two kids, had this to say about raising a family: "Don't have kids. Your sex life evaporates, you live in a perpetual state of jetlag and your diet consists of tylenol and apple sauce. Don't do it." In conclusion, dump Johnny and do something else.

Well, that was easy. Send your letters in, or I will have to steal some more!

Listening to: Break You Off (feat. Musiq) - The Roots