Lights! Camera! Realism!

This morning, my manservant Jonesy woke me, as is his custom, by spilling rich, freshly-brewed java on me. He then handed me a silk dishrag to dry myself with and sent my spoiled satin sheets off be cleaned by my army of diminutive oriental handmaidens. I then waltzed over to my deck, admired my perfectly manicured garden (all seven acres of it) and sat down for an enchanting breakfast of delicate French pastries.

My morning rituals, however, have absolutely nothing to do with this article. I just thought you might like to know.

Movies do not make any sense. I am sure you probably realized this. In fact, I am positive some of you geeks are jumping out of your chairs right now, dying to point out how one of the extras misses his cue runs straight into a rock wall in Scene 7, Frame 46 of the Star Wars Special Edition DVD. Bad news, boys, no one cares. Take your pills and shut up.

My problem is that movie scripts no longer make sense. To enjoy a movie in this day and age requires you to suspend any basic understanding of human nature you may have. Take the Star Wars Trilogy, for example. I do not care about George Lucas' sloppy execution; the exact size of a Storm Trooper's rifle is, to me, entirely unimportant. What really irks me is this: why does Luke actually buy all that bullshit about responsibility and honor? Sure, he saves the galaxy from a supposedly corrupt regime, but he also loses his hand, kills his dad and nearly impregnates his sister!

In Real Life (copyright pending), Luke would have cut his losses early and become a professional gambler. Alternatively, he could have started his own business and pushed Miss Cleo right out of the market. In short, Star Wars sucks and should be banned.

There are numerous cases of this. I will give you a few choice examples:

Catwoman: Halle Berry plays some woman named Patience, who is portrayed as shy and repressed in spite of the fact that she is ridiculously hot. She stumbles upon some sort of elaborate plot that violates several important consumer advocacy laws and is promptly "downsized" by her corrupt employer. Miraculously, she returns as a half-cat hybrid and foils the bad guys' scheme by strutting around in a PVC bondage outfit.

Real Life: Patience is officially recognized as "fucking hot" by her junior year of high school and fellates the entire football team at some party. She then marries some rich bastard and struts around for him in her PVC bondage outfit whenever she needs a new car or two.

Kangaroo Jack: Two best friends become bag men for the Mafia after botching a delivery of stolen goods. They are sent to Australia, where a wily, street-wise kangaroo steals their parcel. Hilarious antics ensue. In the end, the bad guys get what they deserve and our two friends become rich businessmen with hot Australian wives.

Real Life: The kangaroo eats the money, and our two heros are cut to ribbons by some guy named Vito.

What Women Want: Mel Gibson plays a lucky guy who acquires the ability to read women's thoughts. After numeous funny incidents, our man discovers true love.

Real Life: Our hero acquires this power only to discover that what women really desire is Mel Gibson. Emboldened, he proceeds to sleep with everything in sight. He dies of AIDS ten years later, rich and oversexed.

She's All That: Some Random Twentysomething Pretending To Be A Teenager plays a guy who, having lost his girlfriend, bets he can turn any girl in school into the Social Queen du Moment. His friends force him to pursue Some Other Random Twentysomething Pretending To Be A Teenager, who he predictably transforms from a "dowdy" geek into a movie starlet. True love blossoms.

Real Life: The girl is actually ugly, antisocial and bereft of any redeeming qualities. Thankfully, the bet only involves forcing her to perform a particularly gruesome sex act, which is promptly photographed and posted throughout the school.

There you have it, folks. I think we should impeach Hollywood.

Listening to: Blue Monday - New Order