A New Day

Needless to say, I was deeply disturbed to discover that my beloved page had contracted a serious case of explosive ebola. I quickly summoned the programming department to explain themselves, but they never showed up. I then summoned the management team to explain their absence, and they made up some excuse about how the budget did not allocate enough money to afford a programming team.
 
I summarily had the budgeting team put to death. I also thought about increasing Bloody Murder's budget, but stopped short when I realized such a move would cut into the profit margins of my lucrative Columbian heroin-laced Orange Juice production division.
 
On a lighter note, I am here to announce the creation of a new political party. I am sure that, as American citizens, you have become exceedingly tired with the state of political debate in this country. The Democrats are whiny little turds who cannot cope with a testosterone-ridden Austrian's juvenile insults, and the Republicans are, in the words of my illustrious colleague H. Meyer, "more insane than that homocidal fool O.Daviron." Ah, Meyer. May he rest in piece. Or pieces, to be accurate. HAHA!
 
Here is your chance to take a stand against political debate. Tired of people discussing the pros and cons of various issues without a hint of rationality or intelligence? Shock them with your own outlandish takes on these same problems! Join the Batshit Party!
 
Here are the eleven commandments of the Batshit party:
 

1. All abortions are banned. Except for third trimester abortions, which are randomly assigned through a lottery system. Hopefully, this will help us take that crucial first step in the fight against rampant overpopulation.
2. The poor will have all of their income confiscated by the state. After all, they're poor! What possible use could they have for the money? The rich will be dismembered and fed to the poor, so that they may eat.
3. The Army will be disbanded. However, we will reinstitute the draft, which will permit young Americans to see the world through the eyes of Sudanese militiamen.
4. Public education will include mandatory exchange programs with Indonesian sweat shops.
5. All citizens will be allowed to carry guns. In fact, to make sure no one's rights are being infringed upon, we will give away one free assault rifle every single time someone registers to vote. Every round you fire is another shingle bolted onto the roof of Freedom!
6. The Liberty Bell will be renamed the Taco Bell, Mount McKinley will be renamed Mount McDonald's, and Lake Michigan will be renamed Lake Fanta. The skyline of Chicago will be rewired to continually blast that catchy, oh-so-popular Fanta song.
7. All properties designated as "historical landmarks" will be redesignated "fire hazards." Also, all zones marked off as "fire hazards" will be rezoned as "public schools".
8. To combat rising oil prices, all engines will be re-engineered to run off the flesh of your first-born.
9. Cloning will be made legal. However, all clones can be no more than four feet tall.
10. Britney Spears will be hired to rewrite the national anthem.
11. The entire Senate will be fired and replaced by a Halliburton associate. It's cheaper and less irritating that way.

That should shut them up. Remember to vote Bloody Murder in November!

Listening to: Visitor From Nowhere (feat. Wayne Shorter) - Herbie Hancock