Where have all the Cowboys gone?

I like to think of myself as liberal. Sometimes, when I have had a few too many drinks, I describe myself as socialist. Occasionally, after ingesting a few too many hard drugs, I tell people I am a dedicated member of the Communist Party.

In spite of my left-leaning tendencies, I cannot abide the state of liberalism in these United States. Some of you may remember a recent update, when I announced the creation of the Batshit Party. I am sure you all reacted by thinking, "Oh! What a card that Olivier is! He should take his medication, that he should." All pleasantry aside, I genuinely believe voting the Batshit Party into power would greatly increase the quality of political debate in this country.

I do not find Schwarzenegger to be either inspiring or intelligent, but he does raise a valid point: Liberals cannot take a joke. This may seem a little harsh coming from the founder of a website filled with second-rate attempts at vaguely political humor, but it is undeniably true. Somehow, in this age of pre-emptive strikes and sky-rocketing oil prices, we have forgotten how to laugh. Over the past four years, liberal voices in the media have been comparing Iraq to Vietnam and Bush to the Anti-Christ.

While I do intensely dislike Bush, I believe the term "Anti-Christ" is reserved for Dick Cheney. Bush is, quite simply, an asshole. What do we do to assholes? We make fun of them! We laugh heartily at their expense! Have some perspective, folks! Worrying is turning us into hysterics, and hysterics develop ulcers!

Take a look at yourselves. Go on, take a look around. I don't see a squad of battle-hardened political swashbucklers, eager for war! Instead, I see a bunch of scared, petty little men, who have turned to Michael Moore because he is the only one who dares make any sort of statement. I see a candidate who refuses to be judged on his merits, instead choosing to present himself as the Man Who Is Not Bush. I see a vast sea of hysterical, fearful journalists and writers, who think with their stomachs and refuse to harness the intellect and humor in the service of liberalism.

There's a reason our speakers have taken a backseat to the likes of Coulter and O'Reilly. No matter how poor its journalism may be, the conservative media is entertaining and engaging. They may well be horrible people, but they are supremely gifted at what they do, which is transmit the Right's agenda across the airwaves and into the minds of the public.

It is time we gave them some competition. Let us make a commitment to be aggressive and entertaining. We know our cause is valid; let us defend it properly. No more whinging about how the Gubernator made fun of our masculinity! Instead, let us look the camera in the eye and ask if Arnold can help us find some hormone treatments for our girlie man condition. "Effeminate" California law-makers should wear headbands and carry exercise paraphernalia everywhere they go, which they should make a big show of using every single time they meet the governor.

That, however, would demonstrate character, organization and resolve, something we obviously do not choose to exhibit.

Listening to: Travellin' Man - Mos Def