Fifteen Minutes of Shame

According to Google, the number of people reading this page on a daily basis is down. Obviously, something needs to be done.

My sponsors are breathing down my neck. Help improve ratings or they may eat me.

Buy Me Rims

I dedicate this one to all the fools out there playing too much Need for Speed: Underground.

Bryan's Rice-Boy Page

Medical Experiments

You will never look at cats the same way again. I guarantee it.

Feline Medical Curiosities

Last night was insane. I'll post a full update as soon as I finish with my nap.

We Need A Spoiler

I just spent the weekend watching MTV's Pimp My Ride. While obviously it can never supplant Making The Band as "Greatest Reality Show of All Time", I must admit it can qualify as quality programming. It's like "Queer Eye" but for straight guys. Get it? On this note, I would like announce my plan to pimp out my mom's Outback.

First of all, I need neon lights. Lots of neon lights. I want my fellow drivers to have trouble distinguishing between my car and the stop light ahead of them. Secondly, I need spoilers. Yes, I want more than one; I want spoilers stacked on top of spoilers. I want my car to take off every single time I go over seventy.

I also want flames painted on the side of my car. And ridiculously large bumpers that make my station wagon look like some sort of Gran Turismo reject. Dig it?

I want more headlights. I want my car to look like some breed of giant, eight-eyed insect when you view it from the front. I also want a DVD player. And a monitor in my steering wheel so I can watch movies when I am supposed to be driving. In fact, I want the good people of Pimp My Ride to install a Playstation controller on the steering wheel, so that I may indulge in my Madden football addiction while navigating the interstate.

I would also like a disco ball swinging over the back seat, and a water bed in the trunk. I'll need somewhere to put all the fine women I plan to pick up in my pimped up ride, ya heard?

And I'm out like a light.

Bloody Lame

As a kid, I used to imagine a world where everyone was out of sync with everyone else. Some characters answered before their interlocutors even responded; others would take a full minute before responding to simple questions.

Sometimes, I feel like that.

Welcome to My Underground Lair

I know you want one.

VillainSupply.com

Why am I not out? Oh right. College needs to be passed.

Motivational Quote Redux

The good news about this world is that there will always be something new to laugh at. Just hope they don't take it personally.

Soccer Mania Strikes

Word has it France has lost Djibril Cissé. This is not good news.

Henry himself admitted that he himself, the greatest striker in the world right now, has nowhere near the potential Cissé has. If that is not a ringing endorsement, I do not know what is.

Roommate Guide

I guess I was destined to write the Unofficial Guide to Being a Roommate:

1) Always wash.

Hygiene is key. There is nothing worse than having a roommate who smells, so kindly shower daily and wear clean clothes. With this in mind, wash your clothes at least once a month, if not more. There are two states clothes can be in: clean and dirty. Clean laundry smells fragrant and can be worn. Dirty laundry, on the other hand, reeks and must be stored in some kind of hamper, not in the middle of the floor.

Clutter is permissible, but for God's sake, don't leave anything organic lying around. By organic, I mean anything that can possibly emit a stench or attract animals. Food should not be left to rot in the communal waste paper basket; it should be properly disposed of.

Furthermore, if you happen to throw up on yourself, it is your duty to make sure those clothes never enter the room. I don't care if you have to shower fully clothed or run back to the dorm naked; don't do it.

2) Respect the other guy's privacy

There will no opening the other man's mail or reading through his notebooks. Furthermore, unless your roommate specifically states there is something on his computer that he wants you to read or watch, it is not permissible to peer over his shoulder. Finally, if you truly are intent on reading my IM conversations, be slick about it. Suddenly jumping out of your chair to swing your head in line with my monitor is, I must admit, making it a little too obvious. In fact, it is downright retarded.

3) Sexiling

Hooking up happens; I'll be the first to admit it. However, failing to lock the door or leave any sort of indicator is just plain stupid. When I am drunk, there are certain sights I do not want to come back to, and you two hooking up is one of them.

4) Turn down the volume

There is no need to show off your stereo. We all know it's loud. I do not want to feel the building's foundations shaking to the beat of "What Is Love".

5) Please appreciate your roommate

If your roommate is a complete jackass, disregard this. Nevertheless, if you are guilty of all of these infractions, kindly refrain from exploding at the other guy for a perfectly reasonable infraction. You're only proving yourself to be a self-centered child.

6) Do not embarass your roommate in front of his friends/family

That's just uncalled for. For example, when his teenaged sister is in town, immature, rude remarks of any kind are disallowed. Suggesting we get her wasted is absolutely out of the question.

Okay, I'm glad this is off my chest. Thank God there are only five more weeks.

Northwestern Politcal Debate

I know the guys who wrote this.

How to run a campaign

Sadly, Andrew Kaufman's bid for the presidency of Northwestern culminated in failure.

The TV Speaks to Me

For some reason, this guy's website is listed on Fox News' website.

EVERYTHING IS WRONG!

Coffee will save you, water will kill you, sunscreen causes skin cancer.

Praise Me

Sunday school would have been so much better.

Sharp, Pointy Teeth!

I don't want to seem irreligious, but there are some really stupid people out there. I'm sure RJ will appreciate this.

Conn Fanboy

UConn wins.

All praise Emeka Okafor and Ben Gordon.

I'm going to go buy myself a Conn hat.

What am I saying?

"Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."

My school didn't have a prom queen. Where does that leave me?

They pay me to do this

Buy "Fly or Die". I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

The Bloody Murder Party

Give me more political parties.

I am bored with the American political system. It seems you are either a Democrat, a Republican or a nobody who refuses to vote. People have tried to form third parties, but nobody in their right mind will actually run on a Green Party platform. In America, running on a third party platform is equivalent to running a race backwards; you look like an idiot and will probably fall over and fracture your skull.

Super.

Why do I have such a problem with the current system? It essentially forces people to homogenize their political beliefs. When was the last time you saw a Democrat openly admit he was pro-life? And yet, there are people out there who describe themselves as such. There is, however, no one to represent them. Being political in this country requires you to adopt the party line.

We need dozens of parties. I want candidates to run on platforms that have no business being in politics. I want rabidly conservative men who support a woman's right to choose on my ballot. I want men who support supply-side economics and welfare. I want women who cite Trotsky as their political inspiration. In short, I want choices.

I want to support people for their ideas, not their party.

Let's Play Ball

The McDonald's game was, as expected, a joke. It did, however, provide a glimpse at some of the better prospects coming to the NBA in the next few years.

Dwight Howard is a monster. He can dunk at will and, more interestingly, he does have guard-like skills. He can shoot from the perimeter and break ankles if need be. Comparing him to David Robinson is not unfair; Robinson was a 6'4" guard when he entered college. In this regard their skill sets are very similar. It remains to be seen if Howard can be the shot-blocker and rebounder the Admiral was.

The other co-MVP, J.R. Smith, was even more impressive. He went into the game with no reputation whatsoever, but he clearly has some incredible talent. His jumper is ready for the NBA and his hops are out of this world. If he even deigns to attend UNC, he will clearly be a one-and-done prospect.

Sebastian Telfair clearly needs more time. He could not find his shooting touch and, while he did run his team effectively, the quality of the defense was suspect at best. I seriously believe a year or two of college would do wonders for this boy. To his credit, he did lay down some jaw-dropping dimes, but I do not think that is enough to justify his becoming a lottery pick.

Shaun Livingston was largely anonymous. Take that, Duke.

Rudy Gay, the lone Connecticut prospect, was a solid performer. UConn should be in good shape next year despite losing both Okafor and Gordon. While I have no idea who will serve as point guard, a line-up of Rashad Anderson, Gay, Villanueva and Josh Boone should keep us competitive.

Finally, Rajon Rondo and Nelson will give UK a much-needed infusion of talent. I can picture Dickerson drooling right now.

Beam Us Up

King of Fools

I like this guy. I do not necessarily agree with his views, but I must admit he writes well and refuses to engage in the kind of political mud-slinging that has become so common these days.