On The Virtue of Sexual Deviance (Part 3)

My esteemed and ridiculously Asian colleague has entered a coma. This can undoubtedly be attributed to her recent exposure to a massive selection of truly disgusting sexual acts. I suppose this would be a good time to warn you NOT to click any of the links we have provided you with. They are truly horrendous and will undoubtedly undermine and destroy any faith you have left in humanity.

On that note, here are some more fantasies for you to indulge in:

7. Delphinic Zoophile
Example: Sex with Dolphins!

You know, if I had to make a list of things that excite me sexually, dolphins would be number 2761, sandwiched between cod liver oil and a moldy towel. This guy, on the other hand, loves these animals in the biblical sense of the word. I really like the parts about spending time with the animal after having sex with them, so that you can build a relationship and hopefully keep having sex with the object of your desire:

Pat them, stroke them and talk to them lovingly, but do not try anything else. It is best, anyway, to let the dolphin tell you when they are ready. It is far more pleasant, and more fulfilling anyway.

Yes, and you two can grow old together and raise a family of freakish half-human, half-dolphin hybrids.

6. Necrophilia
Example: I Fuck Dead People!

Let's face it, guys. The opposite sex sucks, McDonald's has bought every last good restaurant out there and Hollywood hasn't come out with a decent movie in years. What are we to do? Well, if conversation is not something you desire in a mate, I recommend a dead body. So does this guy:

Plus you don't have to resort to cheesy pickup lines or spend all your money in order to get a date. Necrophilia is a passion which is cheaply satisfied.

No more bar-hopping for me! Why seduce a model when you can have her dead?

2. Furry Sex
Example: Fursuit Sex

Those of you who frequent Something Awful, our spiritual guides, have undoubtedly heard of this particular kind of deviancy. However, you may picture it as something theoretical; after all, what kind of furry actually leaves his parent's basement long enough to find a willing partner?

Enter Bloody Murder. Hours of painstaking research have revealed that, shockingly, furries do actually engage in sex. Yes, you were all dying to know, and here is the proof.

By the way, Laura and I are in desperate need of minions. We need someone supremely qualified but uninterested in any sort of recompense to plow through the Internet Superhighway and find disturbing sites for us to write about. Also, we'd really appreciate it if you were willing to write summaries of each site for us, so we do not actually have to expose ourselves to freakish, disturbing content. In fact, we'd really like it if you just wrote this whole thing for us, because our hands are starting to cramp.

Listening to: Manga - Timo Maas