Georgetown Dating Game

Why, hello! Step in, make yourself comfortable and welcome! Welcome! Now, all you lonely young men and creepy old paedophiles should know that Georgetown University is a veritable treasure-trove of pretty young things. (Oh no he didn't!) Oh yes I did! Ha ha! So we've brought you a special Georgetown edition of The Dating Game to show you just what's in store at this venerable old institution.

Please welcome our first bachelor, Justin. Justin is a thirty-two-year-old Capitol Hill yuppie looking for love in all the wrong places. He's had his share of chic Adams-Morgan bars, and women his own age. Now he's looking to rob the cradle. So we've brought him to Rhino's in Georgetown to check out some young co-ed flesh. Let's introduce him to our bachelorettes.

And here they are!

Bachelorette number 1 is a twenty-one-year-old sophomore double-majoring in French and History. But she's not just brains, oh no, she's the self-professed "Queen of the Ellipticals" at Yates Field House. She spends upwards of four hours a day working out on the ellipticals, and you can certainly see the results! Her hobbies are partying, ellipticals, hanging out with friends, movies, ellipticals, hair ribbons, shopping at Polo and J. Crew, ellipticals and just having fun!

Bachelorette number 2 is a nineteen-year-old freshman with a fake ID. She sure loves to party! Her special talents include shots and tying a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue. Bachelorette number 2 has the stamina of a racehorse, the tolerance of a Mezcal worm and the razor-sharp mind of a mung bean! When she's not drinking, Bachelorette number 2 likes to lie in a darkened room with a damp towel over her eyes, cursing at her roommate who's typing too loudly.

And last, but most certainly least, Bachelorette number 3 is a twenty-year-old sophomore with blue hair and a rebellious mien. When she's not being sulky and commenting sourly on all the "preppy whores," she lolls around in her friend's apartment drinking Smirnoff Ice and chain-smoking cloves, wearing her black Chuck Taylors with depressing poetry written on them in sharpie, and ironic t-shirts. She's a very unique individual, and there is nobody in the entire world who understands her pain or artsiness.

Oh, so many choices. How can Justin pick from so many eligible bachelorettes? Well, he's got some questions for our lucky ladies today. Go ahead Justin!

If I were a banana, how would you eat me?
#1: After my ellipticals workout...when I'm all hot and sweaty.
#2: I'd peel you slowly, then swallow you whole.
#3: Uh...I'd chop you up into little pieces and scatter you on my cereal.

We're on a date and I suggest a romantic after-dinner walk. Where would you want to go?
#1: I'd want to take a nice brisk walk to your apartment.
#2: To the nearest bar. I can do a couple of tricks with a cherry...and I expect you can too.
#3: Um...CVS?

If you could pick any occupation for me, what would you pick?
#1: A personal trainer, so you could give me a real workout!
#2: A bartender, so I could see you every day.
#3: The guy who salsas and fandangoes with a blow-up doll in Grand Central.

So, Justin, you have quite a dilemma. Who do you think you're going to pick?
Well, Jack, it's really hard, but I'm going to have to go with bachelorettes #1 and #2.
But Justin, do you think you can really pick two?
I don't know Jack, but we'll just have to find out.
We'll find out in a second. Let's meet who you didn't pick first. Justin, meet bachelorette #3. She looks glad that you didn't pick her. Now, bachelorette #3, go on backstage for your consolation prize. A Hoya dog leash.

Bachelorette #1 and #2, please come out! Now, this is very unorthodox, but Justin's decided to take both of you home. Does that work for you? It does!? Wonderful! Justin, meet Caitlin and Jessica. Yes, they're both blondes, aren't you lucky? My, don't they look just stunning in their polo shirts, ruffled skirts and flip-flops. What lovely tans.

Now, Justin, you've won a digital camcorder! Congratulations! Now, you can take wonderful crisp, colourful videos of your raunchy exploits with bachelorette #1 and #2 and post it directly onto the internet! Now, it's time say goodbye to the lucky trio as they head on over to Justin's apartment in Virginia. Goodbye!

Moral of the story: Annoying emo-bitches never get laid.

Listening to: "Stay Don't Go" by Spoon

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