Oh...Perfect Logic!

"The best way to protect this land is to stay on the offense"

The best way to prevent rape is to have sex with as many people as possible.

Listening to: Presidential Debate 2004

My Non-Ugly Ass

Take a moment to consider the term "non-ugly". What does it really mean? Does it imply mediocrity? Or is it a modest, understated way for describing a walking wet dream?

Whatever it means, I highly doubt it was meant to describe this private hell.

Take a few moments to peruse this wonderful site. Then ask yourself why I am actually bothering to write more than a sentence on this topic. Let's face it: the nonuglyfats community is its own punch-line. I mean, a community of fat people that excludes those that do not satisfy their own personal aesthetic standards? Have I confused my pills again? THIS PLACE IS TERRIBLE.

Still, my lack of production these past few weeks has forced Laura to shackle me to my desk. If I do not produce the required amount of words on a regular basis, she "forgets" to feed me and induces her feminist dog Jessica gnaw through my ankle. Needless to say, I am willing to suffer any amount of mental anguish to avoid becoming dog food. Actually, wait. Close your eyes and click that link. Now open your eyes. Slowly.

Who am I kidding, really? This is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever seen. It is a testament to the power of the Internet and proof positive the Y2K bug was probably a good thing. I mean, look at this! And while you are at it, get a load of this! Obesity is no longer an affliction, folks. It is a religion, seeking converts at every corner.

You know, guys, it is probably not a coincidence that you need to use a mirror to take your photos.

I surrender. Take me home and put me out to pasture.

Listening to: Verbal Clap - De La Soul

All Apologies

First of all, allow me to apologize for taking so long to update. I was recently eviscerated by a horde of existential llamas, and that left me with a serious hangover that even oranges could not cure. Thankfully, after being exposed to a revolutionary new vitamin treatment, I am ready to get my blog on! Speaking of which, I am trying to convince MC Chris to compose an elegy recognizing the brilliance and important of blogging in hip-hop culture. Curiously, he has yet to write back.

Some of our more well-informed readers are no doubt aware that the Republican National Convention is over. I myself was fascinated by the comments of one delegate, a school teacher who announced her support for the party's pro-family, pro-life and pro-God platform.

Needless to say, it is about time the Batshit Party started meddling in the nation's political life again. That's right; the faithful should immediately book their tickets for the first annual Batshit Party National Convention!

To put it simply, the Democratic Party's current platform is not doing enough to satisfy my anti-family, anti-life and anti-God urges. We have therefore developed an entirely new political paradigm, guaranteed to satisfy even the vehemently liberal partisans. Check it out our revised platform:

• Anti-war? Fuck that shit, ese! I say we need as much of it as we can afford. On that note, I suggest we reignite the Civil War. The state can then use the proceeds to ensure that every toddler has his own handgun. After all, homeland security starts with the young!
• Let's face it: you hate your family. Why in God's name would you ever want to preserve a constant source of frustration and enmity? On that note, I suggest the government appropriate the entirety of Social Security and use it to construct thousands of orphanages, where we will place all of your children and demand they shut up for a change. And don't worry about retirement; we've recently come to the conclusion that senior citizens are more useful as glue.
• Speaking of God, the state will finally abandon that extremely antiquated and thoroughly progressive notion of keeping religion separate from government. Instead, everyone will be forced to swear allegiance to the Gigantic Bat God Whose Name May Not Be Pronounced In Polite Company.
• Most of you are undoubtedly familiar with the current administration's perspective on foreign policy: ignore anything that puports to exist outside the United States. The Batshit Party would take this one step further by strategically ignoring certain states whose loyalty to the cause is not 100% certain. Alaska, Hawaii, California and Rhode Island, we have your number.
• The United States Military will be replaced by the US Clown Corp. It will not be quite as effective, but it will make for great TV. Look for highlights on America's Funniest Prison Abuse Videos! Also, Ashton Kutcher will be put in charge of MTV's hit new show, Draft'd! Marvel as our recruiters kidnap poor impressionable young lads, arm them with guns straight from their most vicious wet dreams and set them loose on Third World civilians! Happy hunting, boys!

As if our revamped and improved platform was not enough, check out our ridiculously stacked line-up of convention speakers:

• You thought he was a Republican? Guess again! We tweaked Zell Miller's medication, and now he is a staunch Batshit Party supporter! Watch him spew invective and decry the current political system's inability to represent the truly visionary among us!
• Robert Downey will show up and deliver a rousing speech on the current state of the War on Drugs. Organizers have assured us his head will not explode this time.
• MC Chris will lead the delegates in a rousing rendition of the Party's anthem, "Boba Fett". His backpack has got jets, folks, and he is Boba the Fett.
• Interpol was charged with rewriting and then singing the Batshit Party Manifesto. While the new rendition makes even less sense than the previous one, it sounds like ART. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all we can ask from politics.

Batshit in 2004!

I would like to apologize for the lack of updates recently. Olivier sometimes loses all track of time; the only cure is to repeatedly beat him with a watch until he finally recognizes it is time to wake up.

Natch.

Listening to: Slow Hands - Interpol

Oh, My Hopes and Dreams

Remember how I wrote that there were a bunch of upcoming releases to be excited for? Yeah, well, I was wrong.

Antics by Interpol sounds nowhere as refined or as gloomily interesting as Turn on the Bright Lights. There's no lush guitarwork or intricate bass. Paul Banks's quasi-tuneless voice does not compliment the shitty lo-fi sound they've adopted. They just kind of fall flat. The lyrics are as dumb as they ever were, except they're more noticeable now. Out of the 10 tracks I've listened to, maybe 4 or 5 are worthwhile. Dismal, as compared to their debut album which was, from start to finish, absolutely brilliant.

The Faint's Wet from Birth just plain sucks. It's worse than Danse Macabre. It's worse than Blank-Wave Arcade. They've moved away from the electro-punk thing. Now they sound like Aphex Twin with lousy vocals and Space Invaders effects. There are only three worthwhile songs on their new album, and they're not that great, to be honest. I don't know what happened to their singer, he sounds so much less strung-out than on their other albums, which is not a good thing, in this case.

Finally, the release of Trail of Dead's new album World's Apart is being pushed back until January of next year, because Eminem and U2 are releasing new albums in October. Oh, and No Doubt is too, but it will probably blow, like their last two or three albums.

Other albums I've recently listened to that sucked horse cock: The Cure by The Cure, Mouthful of Love EP by Young Heart Attack, and whatever Muse's album is called.

Fuck the music industry. Thank God for mp3s, because I'd be really pissed off If I'd paid for this drivelling shit.

Listening to: "Dust Rises Again" by The Faint (Just to remind me of the good old days, when The Faint didn't suck)

Apologies

I apologize for the lack of updates, but it's Olivier's turn to post and it has been so since September 2nd. Since he's back in America, he really has no excuse not to be updating. So, UPDATE YOU LAZY ASS.

Anyway, I just stopped by on my way from Somethingawful and I really have to say that Flash Tub is kind of disappointing. Every time a new one comes out, I watch it with bated breath in the vain hopes that maybe it will be worthy of Somethingawful, but it never even comes close. The animation sucks, the voices are irritating and the jokes are dismal. You'd think that the brilliant minds that brought you "Horrors of Porn" and "Weekend Web" would be able to come up with something slightly more...witty. But hey, it's not like I can do better, so what am I complaining about?

Listening to: "Flugufrelsarinn" by Sigur Ros

Bush is an Overachiever

According to the Iraqi Body Counter, between 11793 and 13802 Iraqi civilians have been killed in the violence in Iraq as of Friday, September 3rd 2004.

There were 2996 civilians, according to a site dedicated to the victims of September 11th, presumed dead in the four attacks of September 11th.

This is the first and only time in his life that Bush has been an overachiever. He has successfully overcompensated for the civilian deaths on American soil. Hammurabi's famous eye for an eye doctrine is no longer applicable here. It's now three eyes for an eye.

Not only have Iraqi civilians been slaughtered en masse, but as of today, September 8th, the death toll for US Soldiers in Iraq has topped 1000. Soldiers have been being picked off by Iraqi insurgents in Falluja and Sadr City. "Why?" Some may ask, "Why would the Iraqis want to kill their saviours?"

Possibly because of the 11000+ death toll. Just a hunch. Remember, their freedom fighters are our terrorists. And guess what? It works both ways.

Americans can be terrorists too.

It's disgusting that possibly over 15000 lives were placed in the hands of one untalented, jingoistic underachiever and his short-sighted cronies. What's even more deplorable is that they let so much human life slip through their hands under the name of "collateral damage."

Re-electing Bush would be sadistic. He should never be inflicted on the world because American politics have become world politics.

And playing with people's lives is not a game.

Listening to: "Blindfold" by Morcheeba

Flip-Flopping

Would you rather have a decisive president who makes the wrong decisions, or a hesitant president who tries to make the right ones, even if it involves acknowledging his mistakes?

According to a Times magazine poll, 52% of Americans prefer the former. Who knew that there was so much stupidity in a country that came up with the telephone, the light bulb, the telegraph and spray-on nylon stockings?

Listening to: "Missile ++" by Blonde Redhead

Oh, Sweet

12 Nepalese hostages were killed by Iraqi militants today. I should blame the militants for killing them, but somehow I feel like this would have never happened if the Bush administration had never decided to groundlessly invade Iraq.

You don't really get much more innocent than Nepalese civilians. Nobody cares about Nepal. Did you know there have been Maoist rebellions there for decades? I had no idea that anything happened in Nepal since 2001, when one of the princes went batshit and killed a number of family members.

It's just exceptionally sad that innocents from all over the world are being murdered because of some arcane reasoning. It's like a multi-lateral payment for one country's mistake. It's like the whole class being punished for one kid putting a tack on the teacher's chair. It wasn't fair when you were young, and it's not fair now.

Pah, I say.

Listening to: "Pharaoh's Daughter" by the Secret Machines

Bloody Murder Annual Auction, Part Deux

Right now, you must be asking yourself if Bloody Murder has gone COMPLETELY insane, as opposed to MOSTLY insane. What could possibly motivate us to practically give away FABULOUS prizes to the unsuspecting public? Well, if you had any further doubts about our collective mental state, let me simply confirm what our doctors have known for years: WE HAVE GONE NUTS! We actually have more SPECTACULAR items to auction off! That's right! You too can have your very own piece of VALUABLE Bloody Murder paraphernalia! AMAZE your friends, WOW the women and ASTONISH your family! BID NOW before it's too late:

Item #4: Your Own Perennial Two-Bit Political Candidate/Nutcase
Have you always desired to own a man of the people but lack the money to corrupt even a city alderman? Look no farther! Lyndon H. LaRouche is ready to be your man. He is a man of unquestionable vigor, having demonstrated the energy and endurance to campaign unsuccessfully for the office of the Presidency eight times! He is also extremely versatile, capable of spouting anti-semetic invective and portraying himself as a leftist. He is also a scholar of considerable repute, as you will no doubt discover when you interview his small but devoted band of cultish followers.

Finally, and most importantly, LaRouche is a man of vision. He is running for President because, as a result of his ground-breaking work in the well-publicized field of physical economy, he has discovered that capitalism is doomed to failure! Of course, no one can confirm the veracity of his writings on the subject because all of his papers are entirely unintelligible, but don't let that distract you from making an extravagant bid!

Everybody loves LaRouche!

Disclaimer: If there is enough demand, we will auction off fellow nutcases/losers Ross Perot and Alan Keyes. Also, if you bid successfully for LaRouche, keep in mind that you are legally bound to assume all of his debt, which is valued at approximately 3 million dollars. Happy hunting!

Starting Bid: 200$

Item #5: Proposition Laura

Hobbled by Yellow Fever? Look no further! If you win this item, we will send over a Bloody Murder representative (read: myself) to your humble abode, who will then dial Laura's number for you. You will then have the opportunity to wisper sweet nothings in her ear before propositioning her.

Laura will then stammer awkwardly before laughing you off the phone. Alternatively, she will ask to meet with you in a public place, where she will proceed to make fun of either your sexuality or your "Azn" fetish. After this, she will call me, we will have a laugh at your expense and I will recommend she write an update describing how sick, twisted and stupid you are. Of course, she will kindly provide you with a pseudonym, which will most likely be "Krusty".

Everybody loves propositioning Laura!

Starting Bid: 10$

Item #6: A Florida Ballot

Want to commerate the American electoral process? Bid for a Florida ballot, the perfect souvenir! You'll need to move quickly because we just received a HUGE order from an anonymous buyer in Texas!

Everybody loves Florida ballots!

Starting Bid: Dime for a dozen.

Listening to: Blue Illusion - The Orb