Bloody Murder Annual Auction, Part Deux

Right now, you must be asking yourself if Bloody Murder has gone COMPLETELY insane, as opposed to MOSTLY insane. What could possibly motivate us to practically give away FABULOUS prizes to the unsuspecting public? Well, if you had any further doubts about our collective mental state, let me simply confirm what our doctors have known for years: WE HAVE GONE NUTS! We actually have more SPECTACULAR items to auction off! That's right! You too can have your very own piece of VALUABLE Bloody Murder paraphernalia! AMAZE your friends, WOW the women and ASTONISH your family! BID NOW before it's too late:

Item #4: Your Own Perennial Two-Bit Political Candidate/Nutcase
Have you always desired to own a man of the people but lack the money to corrupt even a city alderman? Look no farther! Lyndon H. LaRouche is ready to be your man. He is a man of unquestionable vigor, having demonstrated the energy and endurance to campaign unsuccessfully for the office of the Presidency eight times! He is also extremely versatile, capable of spouting anti-semetic invective and portraying himself as a leftist. He is also a scholar of considerable repute, as you will no doubt discover when you interview his small but devoted band of cultish followers.

Finally, and most importantly, LaRouche is a man of vision. He is running for President because, as a result of his ground-breaking work in the well-publicized field of physical economy, he has discovered that capitalism is doomed to failure! Of course, no one can confirm the veracity of his writings on the subject because all of his papers are entirely unintelligible, but don't let that distract you from making an extravagant bid!

Everybody loves LaRouche!

Disclaimer: If there is enough demand, we will auction off fellow nutcases/losers Ross Perot and Alan Keyes. Also, if you bid successfully for LaRouche, keep in mind that you are legally bound to assume all of his debt, which is valued at approximately 3 million dollars. Happy hunting!

Starting Bid: 200$

Item #5: Proposition Laura

Hobbled by Yellow Fever? Look no further! If you win this item, we will send over a Bloody Murder representative (read: myself) to your humble abode, who will then dial Laura's number for you. You will then have the opportunity to wisper sweet nothings in her ear before propositioning her.

Laura will then stammer awkwardly before laughing you off the phone. Alternatively, she will ask to meet with you in a public place, where she will proceed to make fun of either your sexuality or your "Azn" fetish. After this, she will call me, we will have a laugh at your expense and I will recommend she write an update describing how sick, twisted and stupid you are. Of course, she will kindly provide you with a pseudonym, which will most likely be "Krusty".

Everybody loves propositioning Laura!

Starting Bid: 10$

Item #6: A Florida Ballot

Want to commerate the American electoral process? Bid for a Florida ballot, the perfect souvenir! You'll need to move quickly because we just received a HUGE order from an anonymous buyer in Texas!

Everybody loves Florida ballots!

Starting Bid: Dime for a dozen.

Listening to: Blue Illusion - The Orb