My Non-Ugly Ass

Take a moment to consider the term "non-ugly". What does it really mean? Does it imply mediocrity? Or is it a modest, understated way for describing a walking wet dream?

Whatever it means, I highly doubt it was meant to describe this private hell.

Take a few moments to peruse this wonderful site. Then ask yourself why I am actually bothering to write more than a sentence on this topic. Let's face it: the nonuglyfats community is its own punch-line. I mean, a community of fat people that excludes those that do not satisfy their own personal aesthetic standards? Have I confused my pills again? THIS PLACE IS TERRIBLE.

Still, my lack of production these past few weeks has forced Laura to shackle me to my desk. If I do not produce the required amount of words on a regular basis, she "forgets" to feed me and induces her feminist dog Jessica gnaw through my ankle. Needless to say, I am willing to suffer any amount of mental anguish to avoid becoming dog food. Actually, wait. Close your eyes and click that link. Now open your eyes. Slowly.

Who am I kidding, really? This is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever seen. It is a testament to the power of the Internet and proof positive the Y2K bug was probably a good thing. I mean, look at this! And while you are at it, get a load of this! Obesity is no longer an affliction, folks. It is a religion, seeking converts at every corner.

You know, guys, it is probably not a coincidence that you need to use a mirror to take your photos.

I surrender. Take me home and put me out to pasture.

Listening to: Verbal Clap - De La Soul