All Apologies

First of all, allow me to apologize for taking so long to update. I was recently eviscerated by a horde of existential llamas, and that left me with a serious hangover that even oranges could not cure. Thankfully, after being exposed to a revolutionary new vitamin treatment, I am ready to get my blog on! Speaking of which, I am trying to convince MC Chris to compose an elegy recognizing the brilliance and important of blogging in hip-hop culture. Curiously, he has yet to write back.

Some of our more well-informed readers are no doubt aware that the Republican National Convention is over. I myself was fascinated by the comments of one delegate, a school teacher who announced her support for the party's pro-family, pro-life and pro-God platform.

Needless to say, it is about time the Batshit Party started meddling in the nation's political life again. That's right; the faithful should immediately book their tickets for the first annual Batshit Party National Convention!

To put it simply, the Democratic Party's current platform is not doing enough to satisfy my anti-family, anti-life and anti-God urges. We have therefore developed an entirely new political paradigm, guaranteed to satisfy even the vehemently liberal partisans. Check it out our revised platform:

• Anti-war? Fuck that shit, ese! I say we need as much of it as we can afford. On that note, I suggest we reignite the Civil War. The state can then use the proceeds to ensure that every toddler has his own handgun. After all, homeland security starts with the young!
• Let's face it: you hate your family. Why in God's name would you ever want to preserve a constant source of frustration and enmity? On that note, I suggest the government appropriate the entirety of Social Security and use it to construct thousands of orphanages, where we will place all of your children and demand they shut up for a change. And don't worry about retirement; we've recently come to the conclusion that senior citizens are more useful as glue.
• Speaking of God, the state will finally abandon that extremely antiquated and thoroughly progressive notion of keeping religion separate from government. Instead, everyone will be forced to swear allegiance to the Gigantic Bat God Whose Name May Not Be Pronounced In Polite Company.
• Most of you are undoubtedly familiar with the current administration's perspective on foreign policy: ignore anything that puports to exist outside the United States. The Batshit Party would take this one step further by strategically ignoring certain states whose loyalty to the cause is not 100% certain. Alaska, Hawaii, California and Rhode Island, we have your number.
• The United States Military will be replaced by the US Clown Corp. It will not be quite as effective, but it will make for great TV. Look for highlights on America's Funniest Prison Abuse Videos! Also, Ashton Kutcher will be put in charge of MTV's hit new show, Draft'd! Marvel as our recruiters kidnap poor impressionable young lads, arm them with guns straight from their most vicious wet dreams and set them loose on Third World civilians! Happy hunting, boys!

As if our revamped and improved platform was not enough, check out our ridiculously stacked line-up of convention speakers:

• You thought he was a Republican? Guess again! We tweaked Zell Miller's medication, and now he is a staunch Batshit Party supporter! Watch him spew invective and decry the current political system's inability to represent the truly visionary among us!
• Robert Downey will show up and deliver a rousing speech on the current state of the War on Drugs. Organizers have assured us his head will not explode this time.
• MC Chris will lead the delegates in a rousing rendition of the Party's anthem, "Boba Fett". His backpack has got jets, folks, and he is Boba the Fett.
• Interpol was charged with rewriting and then singing the Batshit Party Manifesto. While the new rendition makes even less sense than the previous one, it sounds like ART. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all we can ask from politics.

Batshit in 2004!

I would like to apologize for the lack of updates recently. Olivier sometimes loses all track of time; the only cure is to repeatedly beat him with a watch until he finally recognizes it is time to wake up.

Natch.

Listening to: Slow Hands - Interpol