Bedtime Stories for Youngsters 1

Once upon a time there was an adorable fuzzy little bunny who lived with his pretty wife and little babies in the lush, verdant woods in a land far, far away from here. One day, Mr. Rabbit was on the way to see his best friend, Mr. Bear when he thought he saw a flash of orange out of the corner of his eye. He paused and sniffed the air, rearing up on his hind legs to get a better view of the blackberry bush, which was heavy with fragrant, juicy autumn berries. Tilting his head, he could faintly hear an odd rustling. Then he got his head blown clear away by a Beretta Sako 75, owned by a hunter who was taking advantage of Rabbit Season with his eight-year-old son, making sure that the boy wouldn't grow up into a sissy.

It was Miss. Robin who was witness to these unfortunate proceedings, and it fell upon her to carry the woeful tidings to Mrs. Rabbit who fell into a major depressive episode and took to her bed for eight months, leaving her oldest daughter, Hoppy to take care of the two younger children, Skippy and Bumper. By the time Mrs. Rabbit recovered from her bout with mental illness, she was 40 lbs overweight. Have you ever seen a 46 lb rabbit?

Hoppy did her best with the two younger children, giving up her precious childhood months to rearing the two ungrateful little bastards. Every morning, she would wake up at the buttcrack of dawn to forage for food for the entire family before making sure that Skippy and Bumper made it to school on time. She would pack their lunches for them, check their backpacks for the correct books and send them on their way with a kiss on the cheek and a generic-brand treat in their pockets. It was all they could afford, what with their poor dead father and sick mother, and the welfare checks so small. Money was tight.

Unbeknownst to her, Skippy and Bumper would cut class every day. Skippy would spend the day at her much-older boyfriend's burrow, helping him cook crystal meth and letting him film her having sex with his best friends. Bumper would head down to the video arcade, where he would meet with his best friends, a fieldmouse named Skullcrusher (ne Nibbles) and a ferret named Fangs (ne Slinky). Then they would head out downtown for some trouble. They always found it, too. Whenever Hoppy would ask about the scratches, the bruises and once, the lost tooth, Bumper would always tell her that he fell off the swings or the jungle gymn during recess. In reality, they were from the socks filled with bricks and the skilfully wielded chains.

One day, Bumper got into a fight with a dangerous crowd. He didn't come home that night. Or ever again. By coincidence, neither did Skippy, having overdosed on heroin. They found her body underneath a bush the next day. Her innocence, cuteness and fuzziness made the track marks running up her forelegs more shocking. Mrs. Rabbit died a few days later from an overdose of ipecac, which she had taken to in order to lose the weight she had piled on during her depression. Hoppy never recovered from that terrible week, retiring to a quiet mental facility where she lived out the rest of her days in a perfect state of catatonia, dying alone and unloved at an unfortunately young age.

The end. Sleep tight, children!

Listening to: "Misread" by Kings of Convenience