Another Reason For Tighter Government Regulation

I went out to dinner with my parents tonight. We went to this Tapas restaurant in Greenwich called Barcelona, and man was it hoppin'. As soon as walked in, my heart sank as we were hit by this immense sonic wave of half-drunk slurred bravado. There was soft illumination provided by candlelight and concealed lighting. The walls were covered with burlap and candles. Everything was tastefully beige. The plates were oval. There were vases of twigs. The restaurant was a veritable treasure trove of Yuppie Assholes.

Imagine it. A sea of dark-rooted, blonde women in Banana Republic Spring '05 silk camisoles and stilettoes. They all had those two pinchable little blobs of back-fat hanging over the back of their low-rise dark-wash Seven jeans. They all had shrill voices and cackling laughs. The men were worse: ruddy-faced, thick-necked and stiff-haired, their interestingly patterned French Connection shirts gleamed dully in the subdued light as they yelled over the bland, nouveau-fusion "world" music that could be barely heard over the general noise.

The barest auditory dregs of sitar and bongos occasionally gleamed through those rare golden lulls when the Yuppie Assholes quietened down to listen to some shitty story related by some moron with a spray-tan and sunglasses perched absurdly and inappropriately on top of his greasy slicked-backed blond pride-and-joy. Sometimes, his chubby farmfresh-from-Indiana girlfriend, one hand twirling her dark-rooted golden curls in her fingers, the other hand rested on her plump silk-draped bosom, would pipe up in a voice which was inevitably tuned to the highest pitch that any human-being could possibly be capable of.

I spent most of the meal with my head withdrawn tortoise-like into to my shoulders, mostly to protect my hearing from the barrage of impossible frequencies. Since I was facing one of the large mirrors that lined the room, I could see that one of the most annoying women in the room--the creme de la creme of irritants, if you will--was pregnant, which was very disheartening for me. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. Yuppie Assholes with shrill voices and vapid expressions are an example.

Listening to: "Future Proof" by Massive Attack