Two Dollar Psychotherapy

Some of you are undoubtedly acquainted with the cultural icon that is GroupHug. For those of you who are not, let me just say that it is more than a website. It is a cultural icon, a revolutionary movement of staggering proportions. It dwarfs entire nations, yet permeates every aspect of our beings. It is, to quote the illustrious Thomas Martin, "fucking amazing". Nowhere else can you find so many people whining about so many different topics. Actually, belay that statement, matey; your average Dashboard concert is on a par.

Nevertheless, GroupHug is incredible. It irrevocably proves that there is a Catholic in every one of us; we all, to some extent, feel a need to confess our sins. Of course, not all of us feel an abject need to broadcast our deepest darkest secrets across the Internet. That is part of the site's appeal; your average poster is a deranged, disturbed madman with exhibitionist tendencies.

GroupHug, however, is an incomplete effort at best. Confession is good, but psychotherapy is better! While I lack official qualifications, I am (in the loosest sense of the word) a psychology major and a not-entirely-syndicated advice columnist. I will use the Power Of The World Wide Web to heal these people for free! I will be the psychoanalyst you never knew you needed!

Join me! Let us navigate the treacherous passages of GroupHug and dispense some healing:

I've really wanted to have sex with my mother. I know its wrong, but its a uncontrolable urge i have. I sit in my room and masterbate about her. Ive even sneaked into her room and found pictures of her using Didlos and things. I know that Incest is wrong, but its just something ive really craved. I dont know why, but i just picture me being on my knees licking her out. -.- I have problems.

Yes, you just might. In the business of psychoanalysis, we refer to this as an Oedipus complex. In the business of ordinary life, we refer to people like you as, in the words of the immortal Oliver Cromwell, "completely fucked up". Thankfully, there is hope for your kind. Just perform the following actions:

1. Buy a whip. Whenever you find yourself having immoral thoughts about your mother, beat your penis senseless.
2. Run away from home.
3. Find a girlfriend. I recommend Times Square at two in the morning.

And now for our next confession:

Are there any decent guys out there??? I'm always hearing guys talk about the
hot super skinny models with big boobs and blonde hair. Aaaarrrggghhh!!!!! No
offense to the ladies who fit the description, I'm not lashing out on you, or on ALL guys, but I just wish that some guys out there weren't so fuckin shallow. It makes me think that's it what most guys want. I've never had a proper boyfriend, ever. I've not even kissed a guy before. I know I'm only 15 but everyone else seems to have done it all and I'm too embarassed to say I haven't. Girls say I'm cool and
pretty enough to go out with any guy I want, but are they just saying that just
to make me feel happier? I can't take it. It makes me so upset. Where is he?

Let me impress you with a few Stunning Revelations. First of all, all men are shallow. Secondly, your friends are just saying that. The truth is that you are hideous. If every man on the planet suddenly turned blind, you might have a chance of luring one of them into your clutches, but I seriously doubt even that could improve your odds.

The only solution is plastic surgery. Start saving up!

i want to confess that people who seeks god for help annoys me to no end. the only god that exists is the one in your pea sized head. this god of your will never help or save you from anything especially your stupidity. just because a long time ago some asshole decided to create this nonsense and you're still sitting here praying... get a clue

No, that's entirely wrong, lad, for He is I and I am He. I am most upset by your lack of faith and will punish you for your blasphemous writings.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a universe to run.

Listening to: All These Things That I've Done - The Killers