And One...

"If by a 'Liberal' they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people -- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties -- someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a 'Liberal', then I'm proud to say I'm a 'Liberal.'"
- John F. Kennedy

Read that and consider it a substitute for church, because you are godless, evil and liberal.

Listening to: Since You Left Me - The Avalanches

I want to be the Neptunes

Word has it the Neptunes can demand 300 thousand dollars just for the opportunity to meet with them and dicuss making some music. Studio time with them will cost you a small country. They are certified hitmakers and they know it.

The Neptunes are unbelievably pimp. Want a demonstration? Ask any girl you cross on the street if she digs Pharrell. The answer is invariably affirmative: he is the perfect man, and I am not ashamed to admit that Sanjay finds him attractive. In fact, Sanjay's walls are covered in N.E.R.D posters, and his stereo loops "Fly or Die" twenty-four hours a day. And by Sanjay, I mean Laura. And by Laura, I mean someone entirely distinct from myself.

In spite of the fact that they are silly pimps, the Neptunes have nevertheless managed to stay true to themselves. Most top-of-the-line producers rarely feel the urge to leave their glass penthouses and trophy wives. Pharrell and company, however, feel a distinct urge to adopt odd pseudonyms, fool around with top-flight sound equipment and then sell the resulting product to the masses. Thus, we have N.E.R.D, a weird, wonderful foray into the uncharted space that resides between hip-hop, soul and rock.

Let's not forget their contributions to struggling artist. Kelis, now an international phenomenon, got her first big break through their offices. Kenna, one of the more innovative artists out there, would not exist without their help and services. The Clipse? Do not even get me started on the Clipse. In the future, you might as well just call them the Neptunes. That's how indebted they are to Chad Hugo, Inc.

In short, I want to grow up to be the Neptunes. It would be awesome.

Listening to: Rock Star - N.E.R.D.

Kill the Terrorists

According to Iraq Body Count, between 14304 and 16439 civilians have been killed in Iraq since the beginning of the second Gulf War (which was supposed to have ended six months ago, on May 1st, 2004). Undoubtedly, there will be substantially more casualties reported once the smoke clears over Falluja:

"A house some doors from mine was hit during the bombardment on Wednesday night. A 13-year-old boy was killed. His name was Ghazi...there are dead women and children lying on the streets. People are getting weaker from hunger. Many are dying from their injuries because there is no medical help left in the city whatsoever. Some families have started burying their dead in their gardens." (Fadhil Badrani, an Iraqi journalist, BBC News)

A total of 2996 civilians died in the attacks on the World Trade Centre, the Pentagon and the flight in Pennsylvania. 235 of those civilians were not Americans.

I think that America has taken its revenge, don't you?

The really funny thing is, neither Iraq nor Saddam Hussein had anything to do with these attacks. Nothing. It was an independent group. Al-Qaeda had nothing to do with Iraq. You wonder why people hate America so much? It's because it's full of people who used their precious vote to keep one murderer in power, because that's what George W. Bush is, a fucking homicidal maniac who will stop at nothing to keep terrorism in the media so he can consolidate his power. Because that's how we do it, rule through fear.

Yes, that's right. They're coming after YOU, Mary-Jean. The next time you drive down to WalMart to fill up on those Protein Bars, Slimfast and Cheetos, you might not come back because terrorists are coming to YOUR provincial Midwestern town to kill you and your children.

You stupid cunts.

Meanwhile, disregard the fact that the states which were actually under attack on September 11th ALL VOTED DEMOCRAT (that would be New York, DC and Pennsylvania). Because you know what? You want to maintain your "moral values" and keep your assault weapons on the street in order to protect yourselves from, uh, other people with assault weapons. You want to keep your marriage heterosexual just in case, God forbid, your children grow up open-minded. Because as we all know, being accepting of other people and respecting other people's rights is the path straight to hell. Ignore the fact that judging from the divorce rate in America, heterosexuals seem to be taking that right for granted. Let's not give the right to a civil union to people who actually value marriage and who want it so, so badly because some crusty old man, in a book written two thousand years ago, wrote that two people of the same sex loving each other is a sin--one of the same old men who said to beat your sons and keep your daughters locked up until the age of twelve, before marrying them off to a middle-aged man.

Here's to the "terrorists" killed in Iraq:
Five-year-old Amal who was killed by gunfire in Fallujah
Nine-year-old Bassam who was killed by mortar fire in Kirkuk.
Two-year-old Dunya who was shot in Fallujah.
Seven-year-old Hasaneen who was killed by a cluster bomb in Samarra.
Eight-year-old Mohammed who was killed in a tank-attack in Al Rashiddia.
Ten-year-old Yosif who was killed in a missile attack in Alhoria Althania.
Nine-year-old Falah who was killed by shrapnel in Najaf.
Four-year-old Ali Shaker who was killed in a missile attack in Al-Bassra.
Five-year-old Fatmah who was killed in a missile attack in Al-Bassra.
Twelve-year-old Ibrahim who was killed by bombing in Zambrania.
Two-year-old Bahaar who killed in a missile attack in Helaa Al-Kefell.
Thirteen-year-old Ghazi, the little boy who killed by bombing in Fallujah, who will never have the chance to grow up to experience this fabled "freedom" that the Americans have promised to the Iraqi people.

Congratulations to the 51%. I hope you go to hell, you benighted, jingoistic fools.

Remember...

Don't forget half of us are pissed.

And the next person who calls us unpatriotic is going to wake up with his nuts in a vice.

Listening to: Run - Snow Patrol

Sexy.

The bunny is love.

Listening to: Grown Man Business (Fresh Vintage Bottles) - Mos Def

Yet Another Member of the Elite Identified

I hereby nominate gsundar for the Bloody Murder Angry Citizen of the Week Award, because he's angry and my biased, elitist little heart finds him entertaining. Also, I like handing out awards.

Laugh and enjoy.

Also, if someone could come up with some quality Ann Coulter quotes, I would really appreciate it. And by quality, I mean absolutely insane.

Listening to: Suzanne - Leonard Cohen

Get Your Fill

Looks someone has cornered the market on incoherent rage.

Still, they deserved it.

Listening to: Chocolate - Snow Patrol

I can find the door myself, bitch!

Friends, readers and innocent bystanders, now is the time to take a deep breath and pop open a beer. Some of you are debating the merits of leaving for Canada. I do not blame you for this, as Canada is actually a wonderful country, filled with beautiful women and recreational drugs.

Unfortunately, there is too much left to be done. We need to reclaim this country and return it to its Enlightenment roots. The Right has no mandate. They only obtained 51% of the vote. There are still Americans out there who recognize the importance of liberal values and the folly of the current administration's policies. All is not lost.

I was reading dailykos today and came upon this link. This is who we are fighting against. This is the man who just hijacked our country. This is the hypocrite who accuses us of hating our country while publicly proclaiming his contempt for one half of this nation's population. This is the reactionary who attacks the liberal media while ignoring the work of conservative fanatics like Coulter and Hannity.

And now he has the effrontery to suggest we should be expelled from the Union. Fuck that, chump.

Of course, the whole article conveniently ignores the fact that eighteen states voted for Kerry, not twelve. It also disregards the fact that New York and California contribute a combined 100 billion to the Federal coffers. Short of holding the so-called Dirty Dozen at gunpoint and demanding subsidies, Mr. Thompson's political Candyland is not fiscally feasible.

I would also like to draw your attention to this anecdote:

BUSH USA is predominantly white; devoutly Christian (mostly Protestant);
openly, vigorously heterosexual; an open land of single-family homes and
ranches; economically sound (except for a few farms), but not drunk with
cyberworld business development, and mainly English-speaking, with a
predilection for respectfully uttering "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir."

GORE/KERRY USA is ethnically diverse; multi-religious, irreligious or
nastily antireligious; more sexually liberated (if not in actual practice,
certainly in attitude); awash with condo canyons and other high-end real estate
bordered by sprawling, squalid public housing or neglected private homes,
decidedly short of middle-class neighborhoods; both high tech and oddly
primitive in its commerce; very artsy, and Babelesque, with abnormally loud
speakers.

Wrong again, Mr. Thompson. Bush USA is, for the most part, subsidized by Kerry USA, and, as we have all learned from our president, has serious difficulties with the English language. I am also not surprised by his assertion that an ideal conservative world is white and Christian, because there are NO black/hispanic Republicans out there. They all vote Democrat, because they are allergic to the idea of economic self-sufficiency. And God knows sodomy only thrives in blue states. I mean, teenage pregnancy must be lower for a reason, right? Did I mention Bush USA has a significantly higher divorce rate?

Fuck you, Thompson. Narrow-minded, hypocritical assholes like you have eked out a minor victory and are already proclaiming a new era, where no one listens to liberal America and condoms are a thing of the future.

Fuck that, my friend. I plan on staying right here and fighting you every step of the way. This time, however, I will be better. I am going to throw everything you threw at us right back at you. Thompson, you are the kind of scum that undermines democracy. Go back to Florida and take your pills.

Listening to: Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

So How Exactly Does One Rape Oneself Up the Ass?

I have no idea. But America just did it. No, I still haven't gotten over it. Hope you have enough lube, Middle America, because you're going to be taking it up the ass for the next four years.

I just realized that nobody in Middle America is going to be able to get married! And since they're all fundamentalist evangelical Christians, they'll be taking self-loathing to the extreme. Ha ha!

Listening to: "A Dulcimer's Fancy" by The Occasion

The End

Please explain to me how our wonderful president plans on dealing with this. I will be spending the next few weeks showcasing the issues our democracy cannot and will not deal with, because we are too fixated with abolishing Roe vs. Wade and reveling in our illustrious leader's personality cult.

Next up: our Social Security nightmare.

Listening to: Ordinary - Lucky Boys Confusion

Two Goddamn Votes

FUCK.

Listening to:

BoO hOo... :-(

There comes a time when you have to take an elevator down from your ivory tower, step into the busy intersection and realize that those boxy little yellow taxies are actually 2000 pounds of gasoline-powered steel that are perfectly capable of reducing you to a greasy puddle simmering gently in the sticky humidity of a New York summer afternoon.

While you're observing that, you also come to the realization that India, many parts of which do not have electricity or running water, launched a rocket into space in 1963, and that evil wizards are usually caught hiding in small, dusty holes by poorly-educated soldiers, or are deposed bloodlessly by clandestine CIA operations.

You shouldn't have to dodge taxis to get rid of wizards and fire rockets into space. That shit happens all the time.

Listening to: "Shade of Blue" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

A Brief, Selfish Foray Into LiveJournalism

There comes a time when everything that was wrong seems insignificant, like boxy yellow taxies viewed from the summit of a skyscraper. Every little thing that went right, on the other hand, feels like the stuff that launches rockets into space and topples evil wizards from their thrones. Part of you knows you cannot impose anything on her and that there is nothing you have ever done or said that will change her mind.

Still, you wonder why she has to impose this on you. You feel numb, as if some imaginary boxer were slowly driving his fist into your sternum, one inch at a time. Sleep is the last thing on your mind. You are torn between seeking inadequate solace from others and wallowing in your own misery. All you can really do is write self-serving, charmless little paragraphs describing your feelings and then posting them on the Internet, baring your jumbled thoughts for all to see.

Miss you. Now we move on, I suppose. Hit the ground running, they say, or you might lose your teeth.

Listening to: Come On Home - Franz Ferdinand

Fight the Power

There was a time when I thought Michael Moore was the right hand of Vishnu. There was a period when, upon discovering that someone was voting for Bush, I would immediately inspect their scalps for lobotomy scars.

Now, on the eve of my first election, I no longer care. Three days ago, it suddenly dawned on me that, regardless of who we vote for, we are signing up to be dominated by an out-of-touch, incompetent white millionaire who attended Yale. No matter who you choose, you are signing up for four more years of the same bullshit.

Get Out The Vote? Everyone insists you should vote. Why vote, my friend? Fuck the American Democracy. Seriously, fuck it. Vote against this bullshit regime by refusing to cast a ballot. You will not actually accomplish anything and everyone will look down upon you as a non-voting, grass-chewing hippie, but at least you will have done something no one else had the guts to do: tell the system exactly how you feel about it.

I hate to say it, but the worthiest candidate in this election is Ralph Nader; at least he invented seat belts. Furthermore, no one is telling you to vote for him, which earns him a ten million point bonus in my book.

If you really must vote, I suggest you settle it with sports videogames. Put the Celtics against the Spurs, or perhaps the Texans against the Patriots. Whichever state wins is automatically awarded your vote.

Peace and fuck the system.

Listening to: Every Breath You Take - The Police