Fuck you, MTV

Fuck you, MTV. Nothing good comes of your existence.

Today I was released from my job as Caretaker of the Sacred Files, a.k.a unpaid corporate paper-pusher a.k.a intern at 3:30 in the afternoon today, an incredibly long time before my train was due to leave. Having jack-shit to do, I walked in circles around Times Square for two and a half hours, making stops at Toys R Us and the Virgin Megastore in order to play with toys and listen to CD's that I already own, pretending that I was anywhere else but New York Fucking City, one of my least favourite places in the world. Emerging into the pretentious business that is Times Square, I was greeted by loud screams. Searching for the source of the noise, my tormented gaze finally alighted on the source of all evil, MTV studios, where a crowd of ecstatic teenagers and their unfortunate parents were squished together in a blue police-line-do-not-cross corral, sweltering in the eighty-degree heat, eighty-percent humidity--but still shrieking like zombie monkeys. Oh yes. Total Request Live.

In theory, a little screaming is no big deal. But the TRL screams were of a special genre. They fucking pulsed. There was always a certain level of screaming, but every time the camera man came to the window to briefly scan the crowd, the shrieks would peak. Guess what, geniuses, THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU IN THE STUDIO.

Does MTV produce anything worthwhile? Let's analyze the fruits of their stupendous budget:

Becoming
"A new season of Becoming is in full swing! We'll take ordinary fans and transform them into their favorite artists, including Shakira, Enrique Iglesias, Nelly Furtado, B2K, and of course, *NSYNC. Our "stars" will get every bit of the glitz and glam afforded the celebs themselves, and to top it off, they'll even recreate a classic video by their favorite artists."

Instead of actually playing real music videos, we'll get a bunch of characterless and sheep-like dumbfucks to re-enact one of the videos, that we never play, so they can briefly realize their worthless dreams of being someone else.

Cribs
"Welcome to MTV Cribs, the most exciting way to peep into your favorite celebrities' homes without getting slapped with a restraining order. MTV Cribs isn't just about making you depressed by rubbing your nose in B2K's palatial suite. We also show you what's in Jerry O'Connell's refrigerator and Missy's fish tank to give you exclusive insight into your heroes."

Although we make you feel bad about your shitty house, we try to mitigate your pain by telling you about important things in life, like Jerry O'Connell's penchant for sucking on prairie oysters and Missy Elliott's pet fish Blingalicious.

Fraternity Life
"Have you been practicing your keg stands? Hope so, because the new Fraternity Life guys have pretty high expectations. Get ready to hit the beach (who needs books?) in Santa Cruz with the new batch of pledges and brothers from Delta Omega Chi."

Who the fuck needs books in college? WE'RE HERE TO FUCKIN' PARTY!!! YEAAAAH!!!!

Icon:Metallica
"MTV honored iconic thrash masters Metallica with performances and testimonials from a metal appreciation society that featured Sum 41, Avril Lavigne, Korn, Rob Zombie, Limp Bizkit, Lisa Marie Presley, Sean Penn and more superstars influenced by the band, its videos, and its music. The show wrapped with Metallica's show-stopping set (their first TV appearance with bassist Rob Trujillo), as they showed the wannabes how it's really done. "

OMG METALLICA!!!!!! THEY R SOOOOO FUCKIN METAL DUDE!!!! THEY MAKE ME WANT 2 LIKE BREAK SHIT YEAH AND LIKE FUCKIN BANG MY HEAD!!!! I LUV HOW THEY KNO WHAT I FEEL AND SHIT YEAH THEY R ALL LIKE ANTIESTABLISHMENT AND SHIT YEAH AND DOWNLOADING MP3S IS STEALING FROM THEM I TOTALLY AGREE I MEAN IF I WERE AN ARTIST WHO CLAIMS 2 B COUNTERCULTURE ID GET SO TOTALLY FUCKIN MAD IF PEOPLE STARTED GETTING MUSIC FOR FREE!!!! YEAH ID GET SOOOOO MAD IF PEOPLE STARTED TAKING MONEY FROM ME EVEN THOUGH IM PAST MY PRIME AND MAKE SHITTY MUSIC AND THE PRICE OF MY CDS IS SO JACKED UP THAT UNIVERSAL RECORDS CAN CUT PRICES WITHOUT RISKING PROFIT!!!! ID TOTALLY SUE THE PIECE-OF-SHIT 12-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLKIDS WHO LIKE MY MUSIC ENOUGH TO SHARE IT AND DLOAD IT B/C THEY CANT AFFORD MY OVERPRICED CDS!!!! FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT DUDE!!!...AVRIL LAVIGNE IS SO HOT!!!! AND TOTALLY PUNK!!!! I DUN CARE WUT OTHER PPL SAY!!!! AND LIMP BIZKIT IS SOOO COOL!!!! AND OMG KORN! THEY ALSO KNOW WUT I FEEL ALL THE TIME!!!!!! LIKE ALONE AND ANGRY AND NO1 ELSE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!!! COOLEST SHOW EVER!!!!!

MTV Prom Date
"Ah, prom night. Memories will last a lifetime, right? It is, after all, one of the most eagerly anticipated evenings in the life of a high school student. Would you trust your night to MTV? Meet Carol, a senior at Merrillville High School and MTV’s first prom princess. Ten of Carol's studly classmates will wine and dine her and she’ll whittle the list down to three. Then it’s up to the student body to make a finale decision and pick her date for a blowout bash only MTV could host: MTV Prom Date 2004."

I wouldn't trust shit to MTV. But apparently, Carol will. Let's meet Carol.

1. What qualities do you look for in a prom date?
I look for a guy who will show me a good time and make me laugh, but also someone who I can just chill out and relax with.
And who has abs like an unfinished brick wall

2. What would you chose as your prom song?
“Take My Breath Away” by Jessica Simpson
I'm clearly not your typical girl

3. Describe your perfect prom night.
My perfect prom night would start off with the guy picking me up, going to the dance and dancing all night, then going to dinner in Chicago with our friends, and then staying up all night at someone’s house.
Drinking and having hot, wild sex

4. How much planning went into your prom dress and all your accessories?
I didn’t plan too much. I went and tried on lots of dresses at one store and found the one I like, so I bought that and the jewelry that matched it.
Unlike everybody else.

5. What part of prom night are you looking forward to the most?
I am most excited about going to the actual dance and just having a great time.
And I'm stoked for hot, wild, drunken sex

6. How do you feel about the student body choosing your prom date?
I’m a little nervous because I think the people who don’t like me will vote for the person least compatible with me, but hopefully all will go well and it will be the best prom yet.
And by least compatible, I mean ugly.

7. Are you confident the student body will choose the right date for you?
For the most part yes, but there will be some that will vote badly because they don’t like me.
But my bitchy friends will ruin them if they do that.

8. Do you think eliminating the guys from the show will be difficult?
I think the elimination will be the hardest part of the show because I know all the guys and will still have to go to school with them.
But secretly I will be laughing inside

9. What’s the perfect ending to a perfect prom night?
The perfect ending is hopefully a small goodnight kiss as long as it was a great night.
I'm lying through my dazzlingly perfect teeth.

10. How does it feel to be the first MTV Prom Princess in MTV history?
It feels great to be the first MTV Prom Princess. I never imagined anything like this would happen to me. I am just grateful to MTV and for the support of my family and friends.
And for the casting agent I fucked to be here

Whatever. I am weary and reading the list of shows is making me angry. Fuck MTV. Watch HGTV instead. Quality television programming.

Listening to: "Dirty Life" by Ima Robot