Ding Dong, Reagan's Dead

I was sad to discover that Ronald Reagon, 545th President of These United States, passed away the other day. Or maybe it was the day before that. Or maybe he's still alive in a stasis tank somewhere, waiting for my scientists to transform him into an unstoppable killing machine the likes of which the world has never seen before. Don't worry your pretty little heads with details like that; for all intents and purposes, he is dead until he reappears outside your house with a maniacal gleam in his eye and a railgun for a right hand.

At any rate, I was reading various political blogs praising/condemning the legacy of Ronald "Grand Poobah" Reagan when I dawned upon me that I should do a run-down of the various Reagan memorials you can read. After all, who wants to keep a tarnished memory of this man's contributions to society? Keep in mind that none of these commentaries will seem that important when Robo-Reagan invades your backyard and eats your puppy.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado:

Peter Schramm likes to call his blog No Left Turns. You can tell he is a very open and fun-minded individual:

They may have been embarrased by his designation of the USSR as an Evil Empire, but every ordinary person from Ashland to Budapest to Vladivostok knew it was true. The only shocking thing about the statement was that an American president had said it, a president able to make a moral distinction. This was shocking to their nihilistic sensibilities. Yet that simple statement was the final cause of the death of Communism.

As you can see, Reagan is a physical marvel, a god among men. This is precisely why I have appropriated his corpse. After all, he destroys evil empires with a single word! Imagine what he could kitted out in the latest cybernetic technology! Also, I am glad conservatives are using this solemn occasion to think up yet another label for liberals. We are now God-hating, baby-consuming, unpatriotic nihilists.

Quite a mouthful. I also like how he titled his piece "Ronald Reagan, American". Funny, I thought he was Samoan.

Balloon Juice also has something to get off its chest. THE DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND MUST PAY FOR THE DISHONOR THEY HAVE SUBJECTED MY FAMILY TO! Kindly ignore the fact that many of these people are in fact expressing their condolences and doing so in a very mature and kindly way. A few bad apples really do spoil the bunch, especially if you make apple sauce.

Hootinan is probably the worst name for a website. Ever. In the history of mankind:

Reagan defeated the Soviets but so what, he didn't do enough to for AIDS victims, an easily preventable disease, therefore he was a miserable failure and so was his entire 8 years. Confronting evil and defeating the single most important threat to human existance means nothing, but curing AIDS, ahh now that's something, that's what defines a Presidency. Disgusting, the more I read what the other side has to say the more I believe it truly is a mental disease, and this isn't rhetorical bullshit either.

Yes. I take pills for this condition. Sometimes I forget to take my medicine and start hearing voices. Then I wake up in a pool of what I think is my own blood.

If you like, we could ignore Reagan's pitiful AIDS record on one condition: I am sick and tired of hearing that Ronald Reagan destroyed communism single-handedly. He had a lot of help from the Robot Doom Legion. They told me so.

Useful Fools pretty much says it all:

The “good little queer” can't admit that "his people" died because they spread a deadly disease among themselves through an exceedingly high rate of promiscuity, performing biologically dangerous sexual acts with many partners. Nor does he or his movement accept their responsibility in the “collateral damage” of killing huge numbers of innocent hemophiliacs and others who used contaminated blood. They forget that Ronald Reagan, a former Hollywood figure, had a number of homosexual friends. Instead, the gay world seeks to shift its collective guilt for greatly amplifying the spread of AIDS by blaming Ronald Reagan.

Oh! You got them there! You got served, gay community! Spreading a disease you knew nothing about? Shame! Shame! I look down upon your lifestyle and hope Satan bends you over his knee! Yes, you are all going to hell, you irresponsible cunts.

John Moore, I bet you were one of those kids who got through kindergarten by hiding in the corner and calling the class bully a fuckwad behind his back. Does that ring a bell?

Silent Running takes the same medicine I do:

I can't escape thinking that for the United States and the free world it's 1980 again. A bitter enemy, who despises everything that we stand for and cherish, who wants to destroy our civilisation and build their own totalitarian utopia, is on the march, emboldened by years of compromises and appeasement. Will the people turn to a Democrat, who occasionally talks tough but whose heart isn't really in it, or will they choose a Republican, a "war-monger" and a laughing stock to the sophisticated and nuanced crowd, but for the rest of us someone who sees things clearly and is resolved to take the enemy on and consign him, too, to the ash-heap of history?

All right, there are two problems with this post. First of all, I detest it when people use Tom Paine as their internet handle. Secondly, it is no longer 1980. Twenty-four years have passed, my lad, and it is time to move on. The world is a different place, and there is no clear enemy to consign to the ash-heap of history. Rethink yourself, eh? Otherwise, I give you an 82 for this work.

BaneRants proves that liberals are not the only tasteless ones out there:

93 is plenty old enough. I am glad his suffering has ended. I hope the plane carrying his family back from the ceremony slams into a mountain. He was a good man, generally, and God, through him, did some great things. Some very bright people wrote some incredible speeches that he delivered admirably.

I think history will show him to be one of humanities greatest leaders...

And you know how much I love humanity.

Creepiest blog ever. I am now scarred for life. In all honestly, who wishes that on somebody? In all honesty, Bane, I feel like you do not like humanity at all. I feel like you are one of those people who attends church twice a week and then spends the rest of the day searching for that kid who made fun of you in third grade. I would say more but I am worried you might hunt me down and beat me with my own severed leg.

This guy is cool. I am not just saying that because he is a basketball fan:

The more I witnessed up close the finger-in-the-air approach to policy that most politicians practice, the more I came to appreciate that Reagan actually had some beliefs about which he would not compromise. I also came to appreciate his ability to know when there was no more negotiating room and the exact time to compromise, and then, with artful savvy, declare victory.

Let me say this: Ronald Reagan was a tremendous speaker. He was also, for better or worse, a man of principle. He genuinely believed communism had to be stopped and truthfully felt he was fighting the good fight. Whatever your opinions on his policies were, you have to admire his strong character and warm personality. Once, when I was feeling sick, he bought me flowers and a new automobile. True story.

Now lynch me.

Listening to: History Repeating (House Mix) - Propellerheads