Someone for Everyone

Love is a wonderful thing because it is universal. Every carbon-based lifeform, it seems, can experience this emotion, be it for another member of their species, a completely different species or an inanimate logic. This long-awaited update, however, has nothing to do with love. As usual, it deals with insanity, the only topic I can make money writing about, though I could technically earn something writing sordid sexual epics starring your favorite childhood cartoon characters.

Children, before we begin our analysis, I want you to study the source material intently. Here is a copy. Do not consume any psychotropic substances before viewing this site. Possible side effects include: listening to ICP, painting your face and having sexual fantasies featuring clowns.

This website has one positive aspect, and that is that none of these people live in either Connecticut or New York, thereby confirming my hypothesis that I live in the two sanest and least disturbing areas of these United States. I would take the time to make fun of the rest of the country, but the truth is that I am not really that bored. Instead, I will randomly select a few choice regions:

Illinois

Illinois is close to my heart because my university campus is located in scenic Evanston, a suburb of Chicago and the place where Hollywood situated that hip teen comedy, "Mean Girls". I also spend most of my free time making fun of the state in some way or another, so I was very happy to find more things to criticize about this god-forsaken area.

Our first personal did not disappoint. First of all, who in their right mind names their kid Ashie? That's a social massacre of the highest order, punishable by the Geneva Convention, or maybe just John Ashcroft. Her instant messenger is apparently "L0ser 0f Th3 D4y", which is perfect. After all, she is searching for a soulmate on a AOL site, which is a few steps removed from, say, your average match-making website. She is also looking for a man (I am guessing) who listens to ICP. Need I say more? Finally, she advertises herself as "Not typical Juggalette, but sure as hell is as good as any other!". Honestly, Ashie, that will not do. I refuse to date an atypical Juggalette. In fact, I pretty much refuse to date Juggalettes, period. In fact, for your purposes, Ashie, I only fuck dolphins.

Ashie's personal, however, is trumped by Tony's triumph at the bottom of the page. Tony's picture shows him flaunting his addiction to Faygo, which is quite possible the worst name for a soda I have ever heard. That in and of itself should be enough to undermine any artistic credibility ICP has; after all, real artists drink Pepsi. Just ask Britney. Tony also likes Slipknot and is "DOWN WITH THE CLOWN".

I'll stop now.

Washington

Washington's two major exports are rainwater and serial killers. To top it all off, they have Shannen to keep things interesting and varied.

Shannen's pictures illustrate one of the biggest problems I personally have with ICP; it allows white kids in death-metal sweatshirts to flash gang signs. Forget the Crips, readers! The ICP gang is taking over suburbia! And they are drinking FORTIES FULL OF FAYGO! THE HUMANITY!

She also has this irritating habit of referring to herself in the third person. That may work for cranked-out musicians and NBA stars, but it does not suit young girls hailing from Yakima, Washington. She is also not a cutie. Shannen, if you are reading this, I hate you and you are ugly as sin. I suggest you find a job that allows you to skulk around in dark rooms and see very little sunlight.

Oh wait, you're an ICP fan. Well then, keep on doing what you do best.

Massachusetts

I was extremely upset to discover that Massachusetts had fallen. I am currently petitioning Rudy Giuliani to build a wall around the state of New York, in an effort to protect us from the dangers of the ICP world. I know he's listening.

First on our list of eligible bachelors is "spider zombie", hailing from scenic Boston. In his own words, he was born with a hatchet. His parents hate him and feed him arsenic for dinner.

Our final contestant is Marye. She hails from Burlington and is "single like WUT!", whatever that means. Like all good Juggalettes, she swings hatchets, which must be fun in bed if you enjoy having your head split in half. She is also a little past smoking and prefers to "sm0ke", which is just like puffing regularly except WAY MORE EXTREME. At first glance, I had trouble telling her apart from her friend. For the low, low price of a Snickers bar, however, I will let you marry both of them. In fact, I will perform the ceremony, because I am an ordained minister and I enjoy seeing people ruin their lives and lose a perfectly good candybar.

Amen.

Listening to: Meteorology - Overseer