1st Annual Bloody Murder Auction

That's right folks, it's the FIRST EVER OPPORTUNITY for the general public to own Bloody Murder memorabilia. You can now own your very own ORIGINAL and LIMITED EDITION Bloody Murder thing! The world has never seen such an INCREDIBLE spread of AMAZING objects. Unfortunately, we'll have to get through the nitty gritty information first, before we present the articles for sale. But, as the saying goes, anticipation makes you salivate more. Right?

Once you win the undoubtedly heated bidding war for your item of preference, we'll need you to place the unmarked cash in a generic-brand black garbage bag and place it in the center of the Angel of the Waters Fountain on the Bethesda Terrace in Central Park (where S.K. Thoth used to do his thing). You will then leave or you will regret it. We will send somebody to pick it up. Once the money is in our hands, we will send somebody to deliver the goods. Do not be afraid if a few days after you drop off the money, a small and lithe monkey in a ninja costume launches himself through your window with a package. Of course, this is contingent on the product you purchase. For larger objects, we have other means of delivering it including, but not limited to, minor but unpleasant demons and lissom, effeminate fops.

If that hasn't set you drooling, then you may as well switch off your computer and lie in a cool, dark room somewhere, because on we go:

Item #1: Your Own Temporary Asian Watchstrap Girlfriend
Laura has managed to persuade Madame Maria to make available one of her girls for your enjoyment. This package allows you to spend two nights and a day with Mei Ling hanging adoringly off your arm. She is one of the most popular girls in the establishment. Mei Ling is not only difficult to book, but she is very good at what she does. Extremely versatile, Mei Ling can be shy and demure or feisty and sassy, depending on your preference. She has long silky hair and big almond eyes. She's also small and cute.
Everybody loves small, cute Asians.
Value: $4500
Starting bid: $1200
Item #2: A Bloody Murder AIM Icon
We don't have a logo yet, but we can make one just for you. A personalized one. Yes.
Everybody loves AIM icons.
Value: Priceless
Starting bid: $1
Item #3: Olivier
This is an unbelievable opportunity. You can OWN Olivier. Forever. To be honest, we needed an excuse to get rid of him, but we didn't want to fire him, so we've decided to let the public have a chance to own Olivier. He's in good condition, barely used, with negligable emotional baggage and his own clothes. He has all his own teeth and decent eyesight and, if your tastes run that way, I expect he can be quite ornamental with a little refurbishment. He pretty much runs on beer; you can just keep him in an aquarium and toss in a few cans of Bud Light every other day or so. Sometimes you'll need to take him out for a run around the yard every week, but other than that he can amuse himself and, sometimes, you too! He's worth every penny.
Everybody loves Oliviers.
Value: 50 cents
Starting bid: 1 cent.

Don't all rush at once. Just leave a message with your contact information and your bid, and we'll get back to you if you're the winner. Happy bidding!