Of Corgis and Cun...I Wanted to Do An Alliteration Here, But It Would Be Crude.

It’s going to take a lot more than posters to reverse whatever process it was that turned many Singaporeans into complete and utter assholes. I’ve noticed that the Singapore government has reinstated the 1980s courtesy campaign, revamped and recharged, warning of dire, but undefined, outcomes: BEING INCONSIDERATE…HAS CONSEQUENCES. They’ve gotten rid of the little splotch of courtesy lion of the halcyon yesteryears, and have started using a rather ominous red and black colour scheme.

Is being a jerk such a widespread problem in Singapore that there need to be publicly-funded crusades against it?

Without hesitation, a resounding “yes.”

I think the problem is that a social grace isn’t very widespread, as such; people don’t really give a shit about how things they do make other people around them feel. There’s even a name for this mindset. It’s called kiasu, and is characterized by the saying “everything also must grab.” To further unpack this, it means that everyone is out for themselves, i.e. to get as much as they can as fast as they can, whether necessary or not.

Think of it as a giant game of Supermarket Sweep with the world’s supply of Singaporeans careening around the aisles elbowing each other out of the way in order to knock as many bottles of vinegar, cans of air-freshener and tins of powdered milk into their shopping carts as they can.

(Meanwhile, their children are hitting each other over the head with massive textbooks and screaming at each other in broken Mandarin while their Filipina maids bandage up wounds and dry their tears, but that’s a whole different bag of fish)

For example, I was having breakfast at the Ghim Moh hawker centre this morning, and in sashays this well-groomed young woman in a dark blue Athens 2000 tank top, orange board shorts, flip-flops and the most adorable little corgi you’ve ever seen.

A fucking dog.

Let me explain what a hawker centre is. It’s this big roofed-over area where a bunch of food vendors set up in permanent stalls. It’s not the cleanest of places; since the sides of the area are left open to the elements, the tiled floor is often covered with a very fine layer of dust, or mud, depending on the weather. Yes, sometimes there are rats. Bird roost in the ceiling beams. Vendors often wash their vegetables in big plastic pails which are stored on the floor.

However, I only know one person who has almost died from the lack of hygiene, so it’s not that bad (rat droppings + can of soda = coma + years of kidney dialysis).

Anyway, the rats and birds, well, what can you do about them? Sure you can lay traps down for them, but they’re going to come back. Nobody invited them along.

But you don’t purposefully bring an animal into a food-court, no matter how clean you think your dog is. Especially not a squat little thing with legs so short that it’s belly almost touches the ground. And furthermore, when somebody calls your attention to the big “NO PETS” sign tacked to the very column that your little dog raised his stumpy leg against (in a PLACE of EATING), you don’t smile sweetly and say, “I don’t tell you not to bring your children here.”

What are you, stupid?

Oh, you are stupid. And did I mention, a selfish bitch with skewed logic, too? Okay, I will try to explain the difference between dogs and children. Listen carefully:

• Children can be taught to wash their hands, but dogs tend not to have hands.
• Children do not get the uncontrollable urge to urinate against poles in hawker centres, but dogs do.
• Children do not drool into buckets of vegetables, but dogs produce a good quantity of saliva. For example, your dog was standing with his little tongue hanging out right over a big red pail of vegetables, because his legs are so short that sprinting brief distances behind you makes him very hot and tired. Also, short-legged long-haired corgis aren’t made for tropical environments, you heartless, unnatural cow.
• Children understand what you’re saying when you explain basic hygiene, but dogs just give the impression that they do.
• Children have hair only on their heads, unless they are very unfortunate, but dogs are covered in hair which they shed all over the place. This is especially a problem with long-haired dogs, like your corgi. May I add that your dog shook himself right next to that very same big red pail of vegetables, undoubtedly shooting strands of his long silky tan hair all over someone’s lunch?
• Children don’t have to be dragged around on a small blue leash, but dogs usually do, and may I compliment you on how well the dog’s leash matched your tank top?

There are a number of other reasons by which children differ from dogs. One of them has to do with the fact that dogs are a completely different species from humans, but we can cover that in the next module. You just study this list for now. I know it’s hard, but you’ll understand it eventually.

I’d have to say that the most irksome part of that whole episode was how arrogant that woman was. Perhaps I’m wrong, but maybe I had a valid point? Perhaps dogs don’t really belong in a place where food is eaten and prepared? Hmm? You think about that, honey, and get back to me, okay?

Maybe, the next time your pathetic, whipped boyfriend takes you out to an expensive restaurant, you should think about what it would be like if somebody brought their dog to that very restaurant and let it piss up against a foundational structure in the kitchen. Maybe the hawker centre doesn’t have pure damask tablecloths, imported chefs and copper saucepans, but it’s the same fucking thing, you stupid troll.

Damn, I hope that dog gets Dog Flu or something, and bites her ugly ass.

However, the fact that many Singaporeans are rude doesn’t make them terrible people, mostly (with the exception of the woman with the dog, she just plain sucks). This is reflected in the way that people donated enough money to the National Kidney Foundation charity for them to be able to provide thirty years worth of aid to patients (although it was only reported as three years, but once again, a whole different coffer of corgis). Moreover, since the government doesn’t really provide very good welfare programmes, most social welfare is private.

So it’s slightly reassuring that a social conscience is present. It just doesn’t manifest itself in everyday events.

Listening to: "Pressed in a Book" by The Shins