Adopt-A-Nation
I have decided to take a break from my Final Paper of Death to inform you of this offer you simply cannot afford to miss. For the very first time, you can own your very own nation for the low, low price of one nuclear aircraft carrier filled to the brim with one-hundred dollar bills. Did I mention the ship must be built of solid gold? Here, have a few of our complementary mints.
If money is a problem, we have some very attractive financing plans available. Consider, for example, our magic bag plan. We give you a magic bag and then you pull money out of it and throw it at us. Is the bag really enchanted? Truthfully, no, but people will be amazed by your sleight of hand. So amazed, in fact, that you can rob them blind while they sit there and wonder how you manage to pull this money out of thin air. Works every time, I assure you.
Why Adopt-A-Nation? You can do all sorts of fun things with your own Third World country. Some people like to use them as their own personal fortresses. We sold one to this guy for just that purpose, but then he stopped paying after the initial deposit. Naturally, we had to reclaim the other half. Now his son just sits around all day in a silly hat and watches porn. Terrible story, let me tell you. Corporations love them. They make great vacation homes, and they tend to have more bananas than you could eat in a lifetime. Yes, sometimes they have oil, but you'll have to pay extra for that option. Should I mark you up for that? You can save a little money if you agree to the "desert wasteland clause". Sorry, sir, there's only so much rainforest to go around.
Can you find happiness through Adopt-A-Nation? Certainly! So many of our customers purchase their countries in an effort to compensate for their other failings. Napoleon? He went through our offices. Before he contacted us, Josephine was not giving him a second thought. Funny story, actually: we used to call him "Shrink Wrap" behind his back. Can it help you deal with unresolved father-son issues? I don't see why not. Give it a shot, I say!
The current tenants? They're rather a bad bunch. We'll be happy to see them go, actually. They are always botherign the neighbors and raising a ruckus. We'll just plant a few oil cans full of baby powder here and there; use that as an excuse for retaking the property. In fact, you can say you are attacking for the good of humanity. No, they do not hijack airplanes in their spare time. No, they are in fact atheists. Do not worry yourself, my man! They all look the same in the end. Just forge a few documents here and there! People will buy it! They'll love it! Revenge, guns and Arabs! Sounds like a blockbuster to me!
I must warn you, however, that the natives do not really take kindly to invasion. They have all these misguided thoughts of independence and self-sufficiency. But fret not! All you need are a few men who approve of your rule. Trust me on this one. Appoint one of them president, and I guarantee he will be begging you to stay. It turns out that if you facilitate his rise to power, he is more than willing to dance to your tune.
The key, it turns out, is not being too obvious about the fact you own the place. Let them govern themselves; just deny them a military of any significance. Let them retain control of their major industries; just make sure they know who their biggest trading partner is. It's like being a pimp. Do not follow your whores everywhere. Let her come to you and slap her around if she tries anything fishy.
Do we have a deal? Good! I knew you were a man of vision! Enjoy your purchase, and remember not to be too truthful about what is going on. Five years from now, when your nation is a cuter, smaller version of yourself, no one will worry about what you did and did not do. How could anything possibly go wrong, after all?
Listening to: Finding Me - Vertical Horizon
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