And I Reiterate

We at Bloody Murder like to think that our blog brings a sentiment of hope and optimism into this cold, cruel world. One of the ideas we have constantly referred back to is that there is someone for everyone. Whether a lonely human with a dolphin fetish, a lonely dolphin with a human fetish, a bored and horny corpse or a ginger-bearded maniac with a penchant for orthodontia, we have found that there is generally someone for everyone.

Upon noticing this trend, I decided to put it to the test. And what better way to do this than through Craigslist?

For those unfortunates who have not heard of Craigslist, let me enlighten you. Craigslist is basically a list of free classified ads for major cities around the world. These ads range from skeevy requests for a soulless fuck and emotionless fulfillment of an astonishing array of fetishes ("I enjoy doing major, intense, manual s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g of a man's scrotum bag and/or foreskin. I like to take the stretches to the edge of a man's endurance ... and hang out & stay there for a while.") to skeevy solicitations for transsexual prostitutes ("Sexy & Gorgeous Oriental She-male (TV) wants to make your fantasy come true…") to skeevy discussions of above topics and beyond ("I'm looking for some bars that are good pick-up places...Sometimes you just want to find someone to hook up with for the night, right?"). But apart from that, Craigslist has some amazing personal ads. I'm not going to lie, I spend hours sifting through the ads on this site:

HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF
I'm on the hunt, I'm after you

Be EXRAORDINARY, I am

pierced, tattooed, punk rock, hardcore, indie boys..<33>
if you're older than 23, please leave, you have no use. YES I'M YOUNG, deal with it. im 17 and i love piercings, tattoos, the suicide girls, and a lot more. music is my life, mostly punk, rocka and psychobilly. if you have piercings, tats, or are just into punk, indie, or something along those lines, e-mail me. (17-23)

And if you were wondering, no that's not me. I'm not that much of a fucking cunt.

THIS IS A MESSAGE FOR A GIRL WHO ISN'T LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
If you think that you are single and the only one with an obscure reason for it, then you really think the world was carved around you.
No, I think in Manhattan there are reasons that are social, that make it very difficult for each other to flirt and be romantic like we could be in France and other parts of the world where there is no agenda for love.(I am from France and have experienced much more spontaneous and genuine flirting and loving there.)
Love for me, is a whole
[blah, blah, blah, drawn-out, laughable sensitivity]
“I dream of an Asian princess with beautiful slenderer eyes and delicate face.
I dream of an African queen who may be as delicate as an Asian.
It may be strange to hear this but often I find black and Asians similar in the way they are so sensual and have the best skin in the world. I do like every kind of women, but my preferences are above."

The key part of that ad is "slenderer eyes" and "African queen." Olivier, that's no way to find a woman. I told you Craigslist doesn't work. Better stick with those luscious henchwomen.

So anyway, now that I've veered fabulously off-topic, I'm going to bring this round in an arc toward the original subject. I posted the following ad on the women seeking men section of the NYC Craigslist:

All I'm asking for... - 45
Voluptuous BBW with an increasing consciousness of her rapidly fading youth seeks tall, young, chiseled, hard-bodied hottie for fulfilling relationship and to remind her that she is still a desireable woman.

I am a gorgeous, rubenesque and optimistic mature woman. Standing at 5'3" and 400 lbs, I am all the woman you will ever need, right here in one sensual package tantalizingly wrapped in my flowered fluorescent muumuu. I am all soft curves and warm comfort; perfect for young men with lingering Oedipal complexes. Rest your head in my ample bosom, Momma will take care of you.

I have smooth porcelain skin, ocean-blue eyes and thick, lush waves of chestnut hair that cascade softly over my shoulders. People often compliment me on my wonderful hair. I keep it long and luxuriant and I like to pin it back with pretty, colorful, flower-shaped barrettes.

If I may say so myself, I am a whole lot of fun in my own homebody way. There's nothing I like more than cuddling with my two darling cats (Mipsy and Mopsy) in front of a PBS documentary on Saturday nights, munching on generic-brand Oreos ("Tuxedos") and sipping on German wine. You'll be surprised at how much you can learn from a show called "Tesla: Master of Lighting." But I'm pretty flexible, so I'm up for anything. You could probably pry me away from PBS for a night or two to go dancing or bowling or something fun like that!

Anyway, enough about me. I'm looking for a very good looking, 20 to 30 year old young man, someone with Brad Pitt's body, Orlando Bloom's cheekbones and Jake Gyllenhaal's eyes. Personality unimportant. Mild-tempered, docile, sweet, patient, easily-led, gullible and a little unintelligent is a plus.

I have a 21-year-old daughter, who happens to be a swimsuit model so I need someone who will be willing to give all his love and loyalty to me and who will not try to get with my daughter, which won't work anyway because she-well, she doesn't swing that way if you get my meaning. It would help if you could try to be a good father to her as well. Even if you do happen to be younger than her, I'll make sure she respects you as a father-figure.

You must be out there. Pic for pic!

I posted this at 10:30 at night. Next morning, I got up at 7:30 for work, brushed my teeth, checked the weather, checked my email. 9 replies. All right, fair enough. I get to work, start doing my usual faxing and filing and then check my email again. 4 more replies. Next day, 3 more replies. Mind you, by this time the ad I posted up was about 300 or 400 ads back (there are 100 ads per page). Yesterday, 2 more replies. Today, I received 1 more.

The thing that got me the most is that all of these replies were dead serious:

I'm attracted to the sound of you.
A fantastic notion you spell out.
A fluorescent muumuu and luscious curves..

Some About Me:

I am 27, single, residing on the west side of Midtown.
Smart, good looking, articulate, well dressed. I
know, not exactly to your specifications, but I'm sure
I will do. Witty. Well-educated, successful professional.
I'm 5 10, with short dark hair and a tan complexion.
Cook well.
Let's talk.

He enclosed a picture. Not a bad looking guy.

Well, were do i begin. Are u really ready to meet a great guy with no false pretenses? Okay, then here is a short description of me. Of course should you reply we can explore more about each others uniqueness. I am 6 feet tall, clean cut, clean, in my thirties, disease free, honest, mature, down to earth, real, romantic, and college educated...please send me your picture with your reply and if u wish a contact number where we can chat. I like your ad and i hope we can at least chat some time. You seem like an honest down to earth individual. I am surprise you are online seeking someone, however, I understand, that sometimes we have to seek other channels to hopefully find the best person. I am clean cut, and not into games. I am single, fit, fun, and down to earth...P.S. Do not worry about what I may think of your picture, I will not judge by that, I look at other more important variables such as internal beauty, kindness, personality and humor ect…. Please put unique nice person in your reply.

I love the "Are u really ready" part and the emphasis on "clean." And the "unique nice person" part. Basically, the whole damn thing is amazing. His pictures revealed some enormous eyebrows. But on the whole, a relatively normal looking guy.

MY NAME IS JOHNNY AND I BELIEVE LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS,LOL...BUT SERIOUSLY I LOVE THE MESSAGE U LEFT IN THE AD..I AM A SINGLE MALE 49 YRS OLD,YOUNG AT HEART....LIKES TO BE ON THE GO..VERY MUCH WOULD LOVE TO MEET A SPECIAL WOMAN TO SHARE MY TIME W/T..SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO GO TO ATLANTIC CITY,SHOPPING BUT WHO CAN HAVE LOTS OF FUN QUIET TIMES AT HOME...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. All caps = bad, Johnny.

MY NAME IS JIM, I AM VERY SINGLE, I LIVE IN NYC UES, A REAL ESTATE BROKER, 33 YRS OLD BUT I LOOK 25. ANYWAY IF U THINK I'M CUTE SEND ME YOUR PIC AND LETS MEET UP FOR A DRINK OR 2!!

Same goes for you too, Jim. No caps.

I am 25 and am very glad to have read your post.
It seems you do have a lot of confidence.
I would love to stray you away from PBS and your cats.
I would love to get into your cat and make you feel desirable.
I llove big tits. Do you like big dicks?
I am 5 7'" and in decent shape.
Tell me if you'd like to keep watching PBS or my PuBeS.

KHRiz

Ah, a razor sharp wit is quick young KHRiz.

hello ! well yes i love hot bbws and im looking for a new relationship in the city,send me your hottie pic and ill send you my pic and let me know whats up. i will say im ital / latin wht guy artsy not old fartsy 47yo. bobby

And articulate too.

swmdd 6' 170 40 looking to cuddle together over that bottle of wine or champagne...........

Ah yes, quality German wine. An oxymoron. Does anyone know what "SWMDD" stands for?

except for the father figure part...I don't know how serious I'd like to get at this time but the Oedipal and PBS stuff are on target and you decribed the physical attributes almost to a "T".

He lied. The picture reveals that he does not, in fact, have Brad Pitt's body, Orlando Bloom's cheekbones or Jake Gyllenhaal's eyes. Maybe a little bit of the eyes. I have no idea, I've never stared into Jake Gyllenhaal's eyes, although they are dreamy.

Maybe about 3 out of the 19 replies I received showed any semblance of an understanding that this ad was, in fact, a joke:

i have to call your bluff but i am a 22 yr old m in good shape

You ad on CL has got to be a joke. Isn't it? If it isn't, consider me very interested. Could you reply and just let me know what the deal is - i promise to reply back with a pic. I would love to be your guy, and I think I meet at least some of the criteria. Oh lord, if only there were really women like you...

I'm sorry that I really don't meet your qualifications, but I have to tell you that you write a terrific ad, honest and hilarious, and I hope you find someone who is more than merely unintelligent. You deserve it.

So basically, there are two conclusions you could draw from this:

1) There is someone for everyone.
2) There is nobody, except your fellow desperate rejects.

For out purposes, we're going to conclude number 1, because it agrees with my hypothesis and the hour is late, I am weary and it's very likely that nobody even bothered to read this far anyway. Class dismissed.

Listening to: "Playgirl" by Ladytron