Are you a delusional megalomaniac?

Today, I decided to do my solemn duty as the founder of this blog and actually write an update. I would like to claim I have been saving children from hunger and neglect, or at least ritually killing a few strippers; the reality is that I have been extremely lazy. Take today, for example. I spent the entire day alternating between lazy walks through my sizeable yard and playing basketball videogames. Occasionally, I picked up a deflated soccer ball and pretended I was the French national team star for a few minutes. That never lasted long.

All of this, of course, is besides the point. I am loveable and lazy, and I know our millions of readers around the globe would rather die than see me changed. It's truly nice to know I command that sort of respect; after all, who can honestly say they have a legion of zealous fanatics at their beck and call? I know, I know. The Chinese Premier, Jerry Falwell and Jerry Bruckheimer can all argue that they exercise the same power. It turns out we share more than this in common, however. We are all delusional, power-hungry maniacs!

To be fair, the list is more than four people deep. To help you determine if you might fall into this unique demographic category, I have assembled a "helpful" questionnaire:

1) Do certain obscure numbers hold inexplicable significance for you? For example, can you easily recall how many homeruns Barry Bonds struck in 1994, yet have difficulty remembering your parents' zip code?

2) Do you sometimes contemplate committing crimes just to see how people would react? Likewise, do you wonder how many mourners might attend your funeral if you dropped dead tomorrow?

3) While riding in a crowded subway car, someone says, "I hate it when he does that." Do you automatically turn and glare at them? Extra points if you ask them what it is you did wrong.

4) Do you feel there is a world shadow government controlling our nation's every move? If so, does it have vaguely satanic undertones? Does its leader speak with an Eastern European accent?

5) Can any and all of your problems be blamed on some minority? Is said minority capable of ruining your every dream while simultaneously being disgustingly inferior?

If you answered any of the above questions with "Yes", "No", "Depends on what I am wearing" or "5.1523", you are certifiably insane. I would recommend treatment but it turns out I am not a psychologist, which logically implies that I am not certified to provide you with this survey. Should you question my authority, however, I smother you with my undying legions.

I recommend you drink a lot of orange juice. I hear that helps sometimes. With cases like yourself, on the other hand, there is no proven remedy.

Cheers.

Listening to: Hands Away - Interpol